


hum jal jayenge raakh bachegi

by mehan kartik (daydreamingstoryteller)



Series: Raakh [1]
Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author says Sorry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Presumed Dead, Trains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/mehan%20kartik
Summary: Kartik and Aman's lives have always been defined by their train rides. This is the story of one such train ride.(The Train Accident AU from my tumblr and discord, but with more detail and all in one place. So don't murder me because you all already know how this ends)
Relationships: Kartik Singh & Shankar Tripathi, Kartik Singh & Sunaina Tripathi, Kartik Singh & Tripathi Family, Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Series: Raakh [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808503
Comments: 243
Kudos: 150





	1. don't leave

**Author's Note:**

> You know where this is going. You've all probably already seen the full thing on tumblr already so yea. It's the same thing but with more detail.

It’s been about a year or two since the wedding in Allahabad. And yes, it was a proper wedding and all of the Tripathis would not tell you otherwise. While initially the family wasn’t able to accept the events of that one chaotic night, eventually they all came around to it. There was no escaping it. Aman and Kartik were married and that was that. 

During those months after the wedding, Kartik and Aman took fairly often trips back home during every and all holidays. Soon enough, Kartik Singh became Kartik Tripathi -why would he want to still be linked to that asshole of a father when he had a new family - and Kartik went from being the damaad of the family to their favourite beta. Obviously he did. His personality was just that charming that even Shakar came around to the idea of Aman and Kartik fairly quickly. 

On Aman’s second birthday after their marriage, Kartik and Aman decided to go back home to celebrate. They hadn’t been back for a few months by that point and there was only so much nagging they could take from mummy and papa. But unfortunately, Aman couldn't take a lot of leave from his new job at a school as a researcher and science teacher. He only got three days off and could only come closer to the date of his birthday. But Kartik managed to take a week off from his PR job. Wanting to spend as much time as he could with the Tripathis, Kartik goes back home to Allahabad first. Once he’s there, together with the rest of the family, he plans a surprise birthday party for Aman. 

Everyone is so excited and happy. They finally get to see their sons after months and even though Aman will only be there for a few days, they can throw him an amazing party. And seeing Kartik being happy and involved in the family also makes everyone smile. For Kartik, being there is like being on cloud nine. Finally, after all the pain and loss, and loneliness in his life, finally Kartik feels like he belongs somewhere. He feels like he's part of a family. And nothing could take away this happiness from him.

And everything is going great until - until the day that Aman's supposed to arrive. 

The day Aman was supposed to make it home was the day before his birthday. Aman had left Delhi the night before on the train and Kartik had gone to sleep finalizing the last of the plans for the party. He fell asleep only after calling Aman and checking in on that idiot. God knows that they two were sometimes helplessly dumb without the other. So Kartik and the family had all gone to sleep. Eagerly waiting for the morning so they can finally see their Aman. 

But that morning, instead of waking up to Aman’s phone call from the train station to pick him up, the parivaar wakes up to the most horrible news they’d ever gotten. They woke up to the news that the train Aman was taking from Delhi had... had an accident. It had run into another train, and it was being reported that a lot of people had died. 

Sunaina was the first to hear it, being one of the first ones up in the morning. She was in the kitchen when someone came banging on their front door. When she went to check it, (hopefully no one was throwing gobis at them anymore) it was one of their neighbors. She looked frantic. And she yelled, “Aman aagaya hai na? He isn’t in the train this morning?” Sunaina was confused. 

“Aman’s coming later, his train left Delhi last night.” She replied. And when the neighbor started to go hysterical and tell her about the accident, the knife she had held in her hand dropped. 

By that time, everyone had already awoken due to the commotion going on. When they rushed to see Sunaina looking stricken, they were quickly told of what was wrong. Immediately Keshav took out his iPad and was re-assuring his family. “Nothing would have happened Uncle, it’s probably some fake news.” 

But as soon as Keshav opens the news, they know the accident is real. Keshav still tries to calm everyone as he looks through the feed, reassuring them that Aman is probably fine still, it’s probably another train. But as he is looking through the Twitter and YouTube feeds, the things he finds sends the entire family to shambles. Not just because it was Aman’s train that was in an accident. But because the entire family knows which compartment Aman was in and - 

it's the same one that's on fire in the videos. 

For a second no one wants to move. No one breathes as they crowd around Keshav and his iPad looking at the information. And ....no one wants to believe it but...the truth was staring them in the face.

  
Aman,  _ their  _ Aman, their  _ Guddu _ ... was most likely dead. 


	2. tell me it's a dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's late but um, also. remember the outline of this fic that already killed you with pain? YEAAAA THIS IS WAYY WORSE SORRY!

Suddenly it was like everyone was either crying or trying to not break down themselves. No one knew how to react. The first ones to snap out of their trance-like state was Chaman. Chaman immediately started trying to get Keshav and the others to get ready. He was pulling his bhabi, Sunaina up from the floor where she had sunken into. He was trying to get the family up so that they can go check out the evacuation site. 

“Bhabhi suno, nothing is confirmed. Aman ko kuch hua nahi tha, let’s go na? We’ll go there and check. Okay?” Chaman says, trying to reassure everyone. But no one was in the mood to listen. They were all in shock, either crying or screaming. Everyone except -

“Kartik?” Goggle’s voice cut through the chaos. 

Even though she had only whispered it, it cut through the house as if she had actually screamed it at the top of her lungs. 

Almost immediately, the entire family quietens down. They’re all still crying; still in shock and miserable, with tears streaming down their faces but, their attention is all on Kartik. And Kartik - 

Kartik is just frozen. 

He’s standing there, in the middle of the house, not moving. His eyes are glazed over as if he’s not really comprehending anything or anyone that’s around him. In his hands, clenched tightly around his fists is his mobile phone. It was on and the only thing that could be heard was the soft voice that kept repeating that the number he was trying to reach was unavailable. 

For Kartik, when the news of the accident broke, it was like the world had suddenly stopped moving underneath his feet. He’d lost balance and all sense of direction. He didn’t know what to do. The only thing he could do was to pull out his phone and try calling Aman. 

But it didn't go through. 

It still hasn’t. Kartik has tried calling 5 times already. And now...the phone lies in his hands, uselessly. Kartik’s fingers go slack and the phone drops to the ground. 

That’s what shocks the rest of the family into action. They finally realize that Kartik hasn't said anything, not even a word at all. They start to worry about him. They slowly call out his name. 

But nothing. He doesn’t even show any indication of having heard them. 

That makes the entire family worry even more. Now, even though a part of them is grieving Aman, a bigger, larger part of their hearts is worried about their other son.

They try to walk up to him, and get him to talk but - he's so in shock that his brain isn’t registering any of the words being spoken. The entire family, but Sunaina and Shankar especially, start panicking more and more.

They've never seen Kartik so... so... _still_. He's always moving, talking, and expressing himself with his body as much as he uses his words but now - it's like he's turned to stone. 

Shankar doesn’t know what to do. No one does. 

Aman is probably go-

He doesn’t even want to think about it. 

but... Aman’s ....and...and Kartik is a mess.

He doesn’t know what to do. 

But, as much as all of their hearts were yearning to go do something; to go find Aman; their priority right now was Kartik. So they try their best to reach out to him. 

They collectively try to get Kartik to talk, to say something, to even give any indication that he’s still listening to them. He doesn’t even move or flinch. 

It makes the tears that had momentarily stopped, resurface again. Even Keshav and Chaman start to cry. Chaman especially couldn’t bear to see their ray of sunshine so lifeless like this. Shankar stays off to the side. He’s looking at his family, breaking down and watches from the sidelines, as they try to get through to their son. 

Goggle is shaking Kartik by the shoulders. Champa is in hysterics and Sunaina is begging Kartik to talk to her. He sees her cradle Kartik’s face in her hands, as she talks to him rapidly. 

“Beta look at me. Mujhe dekh. Everything's going to be fine. Hai na? Aman ko kuch hua nai yeh. Aman’s fine.” She’s trying so hard to get him to look at her, but his eyes stare forward aimlessly.

“Kartik? Beta?” Sunaina tries again. It’s getting hard for her to keep talking with the tears that are falling from her eyes and the throat that is clogging up with pain. But she tries again because she’s determined to not lose another one of her sons like this. 

Goggle is still holding on to Kartik by his arms. She shakes him lightly again and this time, Kartik’s foot hits the remains of his phone that was on the floor. That jerks Kartik out of his trance. He looks down at the phone, a frown on his face. 

“Kartik?” He hears Chaman ask, and he looks back up into Chacha’s eyes. He’s almost going into shock again when he feels someone’s hand on the back of his head.

It’s Shankar. He puts his hand on Kartik’s head lovingly, and says “Beta, please come back to us.” And that, finally manages to get through to Kartik. 

Kartik snaps out of his shock somewhat. But soon he starts repeatedly saying “I need Aman.” 

When Chaman finally moves closer to Kartik to hold him, he looks up at Chacha. He sees both Shankar and Chaman by his side, and he starts rapidly saying, “Papa, Chacha, Aman needs me. Aman needs me Papa. I need to go. He needs me, I need to be there for him, Chacha please, let’s go.”

The whole family breaks even more at the absolute desperation they hear in Kartik’s voice. They’ve never heard such pain and anguish from him before and it rattles them to the core. But Chaman recovers quickly and reassures Kartik that they'll go get Aman. They’ll find him, and he’ll be alright. 

So within minutes, the entire family is rushing to the site of the accident. Keshav googled the information, and they found out that the accident had happened a few kilometers outside of their town. Thankfully it wasn’t too far away so they managed to reach there within the hour. 

But that one hour was filled with tense silences, quiet sobs, and Kartik’s muffled mumblings. It was painful but it was only the calm before the storm. 

Because when they arrived at the accident site, it was utter chaos. 

~~~

There was just about every kind of government vehicle there. From firefighters and ambulances to reporters and police cars. There were injured passengers being carted off, firefighters fighting off the fire, reporters covering the event, and also screaming families - god how the Tripathis wished they wouldn’t end up like them.

But unfortunately, throughout the chaos, they couldn’t see anyone who remotely looked like their Aman. They tried to get closer but there was a barricade near the train, stopping them from moving further. 

They especially couldn’t get near the one compartment that was on fire. The one that was Aman’s. Or so they thought. Kartik, not wanting to believe that Aman was caught in the fire, ran up to the barricade nearest to the fire. He pushed past the crowds and reached the barricade. 

He looked around wildly for Aman. There was no sign of him. He tried to go past the barricade but was stopped forcefully by the police there. Kartik tried telling them that he needed to find his husband, but that didn’t do him any good.

The officers were strict. They told him that there’s no good in going near that compartment because it was already not salvageable. They told him to go see the other crowd there to find his husband. 

Kartik didn’t budge though. He tried again, but he only got refusals and glares from the officers. By then the rest of the family had run up to Kartik. Keshav tried to talk to the officers as Goggle went to calm down Kartik. 

“Arey bhai sab, dehko na? No one from that compartment survived. I’m sorry yar but there’s no point in trying to find anything there. If you really want to know, wait, I’ll go get the name list for that compartment.”

When the officer came back with the name list of everyone in that compartment, Kartik snatched the paper away and into his hands. He prayed to every god he had never believed in before as he scanned through the page but-

The moment his eyes saw those two words, his legs gave out on him then and there. 

Because Kartik could clearly see that the compartment on fire was not salvageable. He could clearly see how it’s been destroyed beyond repair and is still ablaze in flames. 

And he could also clearly see that one name amongst multiple ones on the piece of paper in his hands. 

The two words that literally shattered his very soul. 

Karamv...

Sangeeth....

.

.

**_Aman Tripathi_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE BUT YOU KNOW IT ENDS HAPPY SO DONT MURDER ME!


	3. when we're apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT'S LATE. the next update will be quicker than the standard 2 weeks tho!! (also I'm only just realizing how utterly dated my info on Indian trains are. I don't take them often, so if anything is wrong I'm sorry)

_....a few miles away, inside a bus traveling from Delhi to Allahabad...._

Aman Tripathi sat in his seat, next to the window, looking out at the roads rushing by, anxiously vibrating in his seat, as he waited to hear someone pick up the phone. 

The dial tone was ringing....and ringing... and ringing...CLICK

“You have reached the mailbox num-”

Aman let out a frustrated huff and ended the call. He was about to type in the number again when the phone was snatched out of his hands. 

“You said you’ll make one call. It’s been 15 minutes, give me back my phone bhai.” The person beside him said. The annoyed tone of his voice made it clear to Aman that he’d better not try to borrow his phone again. 

Reluctantly, Aman let go of the phone and went back to staring out at the window. He contemplated trying to borrow someone else’s phone but, he was pretty sure they were already pissed at him. Besides, what good was calling them over and over again if not one person was going to pick up. 

Sighing, and trying to stave off his building anxiety attack, he let his mind wander as his eyes focused on the blurring nothingness outside, as the bus sped down the highway.

~~~

He was supposed to already be in Allahabad by now. If he’d stuck to his original plan. But he also knew that if things had gone smoothly, he would most likely be dead right now.

He was already at the train station when the train was starting to leave. He was running to it as usual but he missed it. He missed it by a minute or two only but the worst part was that while he was running for the train, he dropped his phone. His phone fell from his hands and because it wasn’t a Nokia, it cracked badly. It was way past salvageable. 

Knowing that he was going to miss the train anyway, Aman stopped running. Since his phone was a goner, and since he didn’t have any other train leaving for Allahabad that night, Aman just sighed at his luck and went back home. He figured he could go sleep properly and then come and get on the next morning train. So that’s what he had done. 

The next morning, Aman had gone back to the station. He was almost late AGAIN but thankfully the train hadn't left yet. So Aman got on and went to his seat. He also figured he might as well call home and tell them that he’ll be late so he was trying to ask someone for a phone. But before he could, people started getting off the train. Aman was confused. 

The train was already ten minutes late to depart. It was still in the station and it didn't seem like it was going to leave anytime soon when suddenly, an announcement was heard. It was announced that their train was canceled and that there would be no more trains going on that route because of an accident that had blocked the tracks. 

Aman had just sighed. He had really wanted to make it home in time considering he doesn't get much leave but looks like fate was against him. He had cursed his rotten luck and without thinking much of the track closure, and got off the train. 

After realizing that he was going to be even later, he had decided that the best course of action was to find a bus. So he had left to the bus stop and reached the Allahabad bus just in time. In that while, he hadn’t gotten any chance to look at the news or even call home. He had been too busy trying to get to Allahabad quickly. 

Only after he had sat down and the bus had left the bus stand did he hear it - the gossip and the whispers about the train accident. He had paid no mind to it at first, still worried about getting home on time but then he’d overheard someone mention that it was the Allahabad train. 

That was when he had really tuned in to what the rest were saying, The fact that the train that had been caught in an accident was the one that he was supposed to have taken the night before - Aman’s body had chilled. 

A huge sense of relief had overcome him but it had only lasted a second before the panic of what his family might be thinking overrode his other senses. 

That was what had led to him frantically borrowing others’ phones and calling home. But no matter how many times he tried, no one was picking up. Not even Keshav. 

And now, he had pissed off and annoyed everyone around that he had no way of getting any phone. He tried to calm himself down. But it wasn’t working well. 

An hour or so passed and Aman was brought out of his trance when he saw someone in front of him looking at some videos on their iPad. It reminded him of Keshav, and he remembers how even Keshav hadn’t picked up his phone call. 

He shakes the dark thoughts out of his head and focuses back on the iPad. He could see some sort of fire. He was about to go back to minding his own business when he saw that it was the news. Of the train accident.

Immediately he bends forward, “Bhai saab -”

“I don’t have anymore balance in my phone bhaiya, I can’t -”

“No no, I just. Can I look at the news about the accident?” Aman asks. He usually doesn't like interacting with strangers this much, but this is different. He needs to know what’s going on and he has no one around but these people to rely on. 

The stranger looks at Aman for a while before relenting, “Aacha theek hai. But be careful! It’s new,” He says, and hands over his iPad. 

It was a good thing that the person reminded Aman to be careful. If he hadn’t been holding on to the iPad that firmly, Aman might have actually dropped it when he saw the video footage that was playing. 

It was an accident. It was a compartment on fire. But that wasn’t the horrifying part. The horrifying part was the line of text running down the bottom of the screen. 

“......second-class compartment.... Seats 70 - 90.....no survivors....”

_‘That’s the compartment I was supposed to be on, my ticket and seat- ‘_

Aman’s breathing starts picking up. Suddenly the shaking of the bus feels like the chugging of a train. Was it just him, or were they shaking a lot?

Aman keeps staring at the fire, the train, the chaos of the people there in the site and feels himself get slightly dizzy. A hand on his shoulder shakes him slightly. He wordlessly hands the iPad back to the owner and goes back to leaning his head on the window. 

He recognizes the start of an anxiety attack. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe slowly. Kartik’s voice guides him in taking slow breaths. It takes a while for the attack to go away but it eventually does. Aman doesn’t know what time it is, or how long it’s been. 

He tries to shift his focus away from the fact that he almost... _died_... and focusses on thoughts of his family and Kartik. His entire family probably thinks he’s dead and he can't call them. He can’t reassure them that he’s fine. Not that he really fully is. 

He isn’t fine but he knows that he will be once he can see Kartik again. But until then all he can do is hope and pray that somehow everyone is safe and not grieving too much. He hopes that they’re there together, helping each other. 

He doesn’t stop trying to contact them. At every stop the bus stops, he gets down and tries to borrow someone else’s phone to call home. He even tries using payphones if he sees them. But nothing goes through. 

He keeps trying. 

It's almost evening by the time someone actually picks up. The relief he feels at the call connecting gets dashed almost immediately when he hears the voice on the other side. 

It's his mom, but instead of her usual cheer, her voice is dull and filled with barely concealed pain. She sounds completely exhausted, as if ... as if she's been crying. Her voice almost breaks when she asks who he is. 

And Aman wants to ask her if she’s okay. Aman wants to ask her if Kartik was fine; he wants to reassure her that he’s alive, he’s okay, he’s on his way home but -

Before Aman can say anything of that sort, before he can even utter a single syllable, he hears something from the other side of the phone that shocks him into silence. 

He hears some sort of commotion and then, a scream. 

He hears his mom screaming in alarm like she had that day in their house...

_“KARTIK!”_

The line gets cut.

The dial tone beeps. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh so hehe at least Aman's alive? *GULPS*  
> I'll be back soon!! And uhhh sorry bout the cliffy *runs*


	4. i can't help but -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry. i really am.
> 
> (Tw for grief)

_ “KARTIK!”  _

The scream rips out from her throat without her even noticing. Her entire focus was on Kartik, who had just fallen down on his knees, in the middle of the house. Sunaina drops the phone in her hand, not even caring that she accidentally ended the call and runs to Kartik’s side. She’d wanted to be by his side since they’d come home but Kartik had not let anyone near him. 

After ... after what happened at the train site, Kartik had gone back to being still and unresponsive. They knew he had been in shock but they had no experience in dealing with this before. They were all clueless and helpless. They felt ...scared. 

It devastated them to see their Kartik so non-verbal but they were also dealing with their own grief. They weren't in the right mindset to be able to really reach out to him. Not then. 

They figured they could take care of themselves first, and then go home and help Kartik. But when they’d all finally come home, throats raw from screaming and eyes red as chili powder, the first thing Kartik did was to run up the stairs. 

He locked himself in ~~Aman and Kartik’s~~ his room. Goggle had run up after him, terrified that he might do something reckless. Her mind filled with memories of the time Kartik had stopped her from suicide, and the time Aman has also locked himself in and scared them. 

She’d run up and banged on the door, asking Kartik to let her in but he hadn’t opened it. He promised and reassured Goggle that he won’t do anything stupid, but asked her to give him space. 

The brokenness of his voice crushed Goggle’s heart. Not wanting to upset him even more, Goggle and the rest of the family left him alone. They tried to get him to come down for lunch (not that anyone was eating or even in the mood) but he hadn’t wanted to. 

It was only now, in the early hours of nightfall that he’d even stepped outside his room. Sunaina had noticed him walk down the stairs slowly, stumbling. It was as if he’d forgotten how to walk; as if his legs had lost the strength to. 

She was about to go to him when the phone had rung, and she went to answer it instead. But within that span of less than a few seconds, Kartik had tripped on something and fell down on his knees. 

As Sunaina rushed forward to Kartik, she thanked their luck that Kartik only tripped when he was almost down the stairs and not while on it. She shudders at the image her mind conjures up of Kartik actually falling down the stairs and she focuses back to her son.    


Champa had also run over to Kartik, and when the two women got to Kartik, they saw just how much pain he was in. There, at the foot of the steps, curled up against the railing, Kartik sat hunched over. His shoulders shaking and his face buried into his hands. 

“Beta, beta look at us. Are you ok-are you hurt?” Champa asks as she reaches out to grab his shoulder gently. At the touch, Kartik finally looks up and the tears, those that were running down his cheeks and chin only to fall onto his lap, break whatever was left of Sunaina's heart. 

“Oh beta...” Champa says. Sunaina can see that she’s starting to cry too. But it’s Kartik that her eyes have fixated on. She sees Kartik register Champa’s tears and sees confusion flit past them as Champa tries to pull him into a hug. 

She watches as Kartik doesn’t make a move to hug back but rather pulls away from Champa a little. The confusion in his eyes increases and Sunaina’s heartbeat picks up a little. She doesn’t know what is coming but her motherly instincts tell her to brace herself for something. 

She watches as Kartik pulls away from Champa’s hold entirely and asks her the most painful question he has ever asked. 

“Chachi... what happened? You’re crying? Kyun? ..... Chachi, why are you crying over me?” 

~~~

Sunaina’s heart skips a beat at his words. She must have heard him wrong. There’s no way that Kartik -  _ their Kartik _ \- would even think that. Right?

They hadn’t failed him as parents - well. They did. They had. Initially. 

And they know that they’d never be able to ever fully be forgiven for that. They hadn’t even forgiven themselves yet for what they had put Kartik through but -

There’s no way that they had messed up worse right? 

She tries to convince herself that what she heard was a fluke. Something her grief-addled brain had cocked up. 

But no. 

Slowly as she watched her son crumble and tremble, as she saw tears start flowing down his cheeks, as she physically felt the flinch of his, when she tried to reach him - she realized the horrific truth. 

That Kartik was a great actor, and that they’d failed to ever see past his masks. They’d failed him in the worst way possible. 

If this was payback for that day with the chadi then they deserved more. They never thought Kartik would ever bring them down to their knees with nothing but his words but he had just done it. 

He took whatever sense of sanity that the family had had left in the wake of their Guddu’s death and chucked it down the Ganga. Oh, how she wished she could drown her sins in that unyielding river as well. 

Even death was better than the words she had just heard. The words that Kartik kept repeating in whispers as his shaky breath would not allow him to speak any louder. 

Or maybe it was her that couldn't hear past the pounding of her dead heart?

Whatever the case, she knew that this was a moment that no one could ever come back from. 

Not when the words of her  _ son _ pierced her like sharp glass and mixed with the blood running through her veins. 

Not when he had such a genuinely confused look in his eyes as he now looked at her and asked, “Why do you still care mummy? Aman...Aman’s gone na? You don’t have to tolerate me anymore.” 

And with that last sentence, the other shoe drops. The one the entire family had been anticipating but weren't prepared for....

Because as he utters that last sentence, Kartik  _ breaks _ . 

The tears that were already falling down his cheeks now come out in waves. They don’t ever seem to want to stop. Kartik is outright sniffing now and his voice is choked up beyond recognition. 

That once sweet voice they had loved to hear make jokes and laugh, was now screaming. Kartik was screaming. In between sobs that had him quivering all over, he screamed in anguish. 

Was it just her, or was their street quieter than usual? Why was it that Sunaina could only hear Kartik’s screams and nothing else?

She tries to move forward, to touch him, to hug him - she doesn’t know. But she couldn’t just stand by and watch him break. 

But every time she tried, he’d curl up more and more into himself. The sobs grew in frequency and at one point it seemed like he’d forgotten how to breathe. 

Sunaina’s own breath caught in her throat as she watched Kartik struggle to find his. At that moment, Shankar and Chaman had run up and while he had flinched away from her, Kartik somehow let the two Tripathi brothers come close to him. 

They try to comfort him, but every time they call him “beta”, Sunaina sees Kartik still for a millisecond. He’s stopped screaming now but the muffled sobs continue. 

The thing that also continues is the constant confusion and wonder Kartik has in his eyes. She can see the questions that Kartik has. She notices his genuine surprise at them still calling him their son. 

The void in her heart that had taken root that morning grows. The only thing her mind is yelling at her now is  _ ‘how could I have missed this?’ _

How could all of them have missed that their Kartik -  _ their Guddu’s Kartik, their beloved damaad-  _ thought they only loved him...for Aman's sake? That they only tolerated him for Aman and not because they genuinely love him for the ray of sunshine he is?

_ ‘Was. You don’t know if he’ll ever be that happy anymore’  _ her traitorous mind whispers. 

And Sunaina...she's horrified at the state of her son and at the gravity of her sin. 

She had missed this. She was supposed to know her son-in-law well and she had thought that she and Kartik had a great relationship but...? How? 

Did she not give enough love? Did she not show him that he has a place in both her heart and her home? Not just beside Aman but alongside them? Or...

Or was Kartik's heart too broken to ever fully accept the love that was freely offered to him?

Suddenly, she remembers what Aman told her when Kartik first came to stay here without Aman. Aman had told her to keep Kartik safe; that Kartik doesn't do too well without Aman there next to him; that Kartik might sometimes not sleep at night and he needs some distractions if it gets too cold. Aman had called her that day and basically told her how to look after Kartik. 

She remembers that conversation. She had felt proud that her son was so attentive and good at taking care of his husband and that he’d found someone who did the same for him. 

But now, all she can hear in her ear, on top of Kartik’s sobs and screams is Aman's voice. 

She hears him asking her to take care of the love of his life. She hears him asking her to look after him - especially when Aman wasn’t there. 

_ “Kartik’s been through a lot in his life, mummy. He’s not that great at being alone so don’t leave him alone for too long na?”  _ He’s whispered to her over the phone, like it was a huge secret he was trusting her with. 

In hindsight, she sees that it was. She doesn't even realize that her tears had started up again until she feels Keshav come and hold her. He only does that when she is crying and that’s how she knows. 

She closes her eyes, trying to reel in the pain that has nowhere to go and focuses on Aman’s words. She vows to herself that she'd do what Aman asked her to. 

Yes, she had agreed then thinking that she'd only have to look after Kartik for Aman for a few days - before Aman would be back by Kartik's side but now Aman would never-

She stops herself from going down that line of thinking. She always knew parenting was a full-time job so she vowed to herself that this time, she wouldn't fail one of her sons again. 

She opens her eyes again with renewed determination, and it takes her a moment to find Kartik. Kartik had been moved from the floor and was now sitting curled up on the cot in the middle of the house. He was being comforted by Shankar and Chaman. Each of them on either side of Kartik. 

She wants to be there as well, but she knows that Kartik needs his fathers more than he needs her right now. So she sits back and lets them comfort Kartik. 

She will wait here for her turn. Her turn to hug Kartik, and feed him, and even to help him with the nightmares that Aman had once mentioned to her -just in case. She will wait. She’s not going anywhere. 

Neither can she bring herself to leave the boys to their privacy. Not when there’s a part of her that is terrified that....if she takes her eyes off of Kartik, she’d end up outliving another one of her sons. 

So she sits there in the middle of the house, near the cot, and waits. 

~~~

Kartik’s sobs had died down by now, but the trembling hasn’t stopped. Shankar and Chaman sit beside him and hold on to him as he continues. They’re visibly traumatized too at what’s become of their family and Kartik. 

Disgust and shame bubble up at the very notion that Kartik thinks that they'd ditch him now without Aman around. The idea that they could ever leave Kartik or throw him out leaves them shaken. But, they had come close before. Once. 

And it’s that thought that suffocates them internally.

Shankar sees the boy - and right now he really does look like nothing more than a kid- cowering and shaking unlike anything he’d seen and he has to muffle a scream. Kartik hadn't even been this distraught after he was hit to the point of fainting that first day. 

Kartik had ended up on this very same cot back then too. After Shankar had done the one thing he will regret most till his dying days. 

Shankar thinks back to that time, and wonders on the different reactions of Kartik then and now. 

Shankar’s hate didn’t seem unrealistic to Kartik. He had expected it even and had taken it. But Shankar’s love for him was the thing that Kartik thinks is impossible?

He readily accepted the hate as if it was a given but now shies away from love because he doesn’t believe it’s real? 

This boy that had accepted him and forgiven him so easily and had been calling him “papa” for years now, doesn’t think that love, that father-son relationship was reciprocated? 

Shankar’s heart almost stops at that painful realization. He hates himself all the more for never understanding how much of a kind and sensitive person Kartik was. He wants to make it up to him but he doesn’t know how. For now, all he can do is stay by his son’s side and hope that it’ll be enough to get everyone through the night. 

He looks up at the rest of the family and sees all of them sitting around the cot. They’re all visibly thrown off by Kartik's exclamations, and Shankar can see that. They all have some sort of anguished expression on their faces and no one's eyes were dry. That day had started off badly and had only ended up being the worst day of all their lives. 

None of them know what to do or how to move on. Not yet. But they each made a silent promise to themselves and each other to try.

As Shankar looks up from the curled up form of Kartik that is slowly falling asleep from the crying, he notices everyone else looking at him and Kartik. 

All of their eyes meet. All of them looked at each other as Kartik's uneven and ragged breathing filled the otherwise silent night. They all made a collective decision then and there to always be there for Kartik. They were never leaving him alone again. Not just for his sake but for Aman too. But mostly because they would never be able to live with themselves otherwise. 

They’ll look after him. He was a Tripathi after all. He was their Kartik. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to murder me after this, Fair. I will take it. This is the longest and most painful chapter yet. I admit. If you want to kill me, that is very fair. 
> 
> I won't promise that it would get better soon? There's still 1 more chapter before the reunion but I promise that the reunion will be very happy, and soft.


	5. believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (TW for grief) This fic has changed a lot from initial outlines, and so this chapter took a lot of effort on my end. Especially in coming up with the tone and certain bits here and there. I want to dedicate this chapter to 5 amazing people who have helped with this chapter, and in all my writings in general. 
> 
> _Dhyan, Dhanya, Sam, Shreya, Sargun,_  
>  This is for you guys. Thanks for the headcannons, the song suggestions, the constant support and love! I love you all so much <3

_“Kartik, listen to me na? Okay, slowly take a breath. Okay? Slowly..... Ek.....do.....theen...haan just like that Kartik..”_

Aman’s voice softly whispers in Kartik’s mind as his body continues to tremble and shake from the weight of all the pain that he’s been holding in. 

Usually...usually, just remembering Aman helping him calm down would be enough for Kartik to feel better. But now, try as he might, Kartik can’t calm down. 

In fact, just remembering Aman breathing with him the last time he had an anxiety attack makes Kartik feel like throwing up. Because he knows. 

That that’s all he has left now. 

All he can do now is remember. Because his memories are all that he has left of his husband. It’s the only place Aman will be from now on. 

So a part of Kartik doesn’t want to remember. Because remembering meant accepting that Aman would never be with him again. Not in the way that Kartik desperately yearned for....

He doesn't want the memories. He wants _Aman._

He wants the actual feeling of Aman’s arms around his shoulders, holding him in a hug. 

He wants to feel Aman’s heartbeat under his hand. 

He wants to see Aman’s smile directed at him and only him. 

He wants all the futures that they’d planned but decided to put off on because they had time right?

They had had time. 

Until today. 

How was it that just one day can turn your life around? 

_“Abey saale - stop monologing about your love for me and come help me with the dishes.” Aman had yelled once._

_It had been a random morning that wasn’t any more special than any other morning. Except that Kartik had woken up feeling content with his life and had proceeded to tell Aman just how lucky he was to have run into Aman that one day._

_“You know, I never believed in people saying that just one day can change your life. Until that one day you actually ran into me in that -” Kartik had mumbled sleepily, as he stood hugging Aman from the back while Aman cooked._

_“Stop bringing up that day, Kartik! You know I was very embarrassed by the -_

_“I will never stop, baby. You might think it’s embarrassing, but it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Kartik had claimed as he pressed kisses into Aman’s neck._

The memory of that morning popping into his head only served to make Kartik sob more now. 

All his life, he’d wanted- no. not wanted. Wished. 

All his life, ever since he was a young boy watching Bollywood rom coms, Kartik had wished to meet someone like Aman. 

Someone who made every day seem like a gift, and who literally made him believe in the magic of the mundane everyday life. He used to wish so hard and fall in love so fast that he’d only ever gotten hurt in the end. 

Everything he wanted from life, which wasn’t much, to begin with, had never really come to him. The first time that life itself had given Kartik something without warning was that day when Aman had torpedoed into it. 

Kartik had always recalled that day fondly and considered it the best day of his life. He’d woken up that day not knowing how drastically his life would get uprooted and turned around. 

Just like today. 

But unlike that other day, today had ruined him.

He had gone to sleep last night, happy as he could ever be. He talked to Aman and had gone to sleep with the reassurance that he’d wake up to his husband’s warm and safe hugs, and a house full of laughter and teasing. 

He’d been so content with what he has that he forgot the one lesson that he’d learned very early on in life. 

_The world doesn’t ever owe me a thing and...nothing lasts forever._

He had closed his eyes with the hopes of waking up to the sight of his radiant love and yet, he’d opened them today into a world of pitch blackness. 

And now...he wishes that he’d never woken up that morning at all. 

~~~

_Kartik wakes up being spooned by Aman. His very own warm human comforter wrapped around him makes him feel safe. He thinks he can maybe stay there forever, in the safest place he’s ever come to know._

_But it’s a Saturday and Kartik wants to go out and do something fun with his boyfriend._

_He carefully untangles Aman’s hands and moves them away from where they rested on his chest. Aman’s hands always end up covering his heart, when they sleep like this. As if Aman was physically putting up a barrier around Kartik’s heart._

_Aman mumbles something like “saale nooo it’s too early” and tries to hold on to Kartik tighter, but Kartik evades him._

_Aman grabs a pillow to replace him and tries to go back to sleep. Kartik tries not to get jealous of a pillow but fails._

_So he bounds up to the window and pulls the curtains away, lighting up the entire room in bright sunlight._

_Aman flinches from the light hitting him straight in the face. He hates waking up like that. He’d rather wake up to Kartik still sleeping in his arms, but Kartik rarely ever sleeps in, on weekends._

_He feels his adorable yet irritating boyfriend tug on his arm._

_“Amannnn let’s go somewhere. Chal chal chal. It’s Saturday, let’s go out.” Karik whines, as Aman still hasn’t opened his eyes._

_Knowing that going back to sleep was a futile effort, Aman slowly opens his eyes to the sight of Kartik standing in front of him. The sunlight hits Kartik from the back, encircling him like a halo, but Aman still finds that Kartik’s smile is brighter._

_Kartik’s smile turns a bit sheepish and lopsided as he asks, “Sorry, did I wake you from a good dream? Or was it a nightmare?”_

_Aman just takes in the room and the beautiful man that he got so lucky to have and shakes his head._

_“It’s okay Kartik. Nightmare nahi. I was actually having a very nice dream...but. I just remembered. Reality is better.”_

~~~

Aman stares out at the window as the bus careens down the highway and wonders if everything was only a dream and if he’d wake up into Kartik’s arms like it was any other day. 

But it’s already been hours and he can feel the humid and frigid air. He can smell the slightly salty air from outside. He can hear the grumbling of the tires as they bounce up and down the slightly rough road. He can feel the seat rest digging into his back. 

He knows it’s not a dream. 

If it was, Kartik would have woken him up before it could have ever turned into a nightmare. 

Kartik. Aman tried very hard to not think about the way his mom screamed Kartik's name. He tries not to think about the pain he heard in her voice...and the raw fear. 

He has never heard her sound that broken. She was _never_ supposed to sound that hurt. She was his mother; the person that was always steadfast and strong even when things weren't going her way. 

Hearing her like that, for the first time in his life, Aman feels terrified. 

He didn’t know what to do when he heard the scream. He had frozen in shock. By the time he could get a grip on himself and call again - the line didn’t go through. 

He’d heard of Murphy's Law in school but today was the first time he’d come close to even experiencing it. 

He tried again one more time before the bus had to leave and so did he. So with a heavy heart and an anxiety-riddled mind, Aman had gotten on the bus. 

Surprisingly, the very same guy that had gotten annoyed at him for using his phone, offered Aman his phone again. Aman was not expecting it at all. He had just sat down when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a hand holding out a phone. 

“You seem like you really need it bhai. Sorry about before.” He had said, apologetically. 

For one moment, Aman feels a bit better. It might not have meant much to the guy, but to Aman it was like life itself was giving him some bit of hope left to hold on to. He thought about taking the phone but - what was the point in calling if no one was going to pick up. 

So he had declined the offer, after thanking the guy sincerely. 

It wasn’t much, but it had made Aman feel a little less lonely and a little less scared.

And he’s been holding on to that thought since. The innate feeling and knowledge that people are good; that people are kind. And that no one was ever truly alone. 

It reminds him that Aman might be alone and terrified and anxious right now, but Kartik wasn’t. Yes, Aman would feel better if he himself was with his husband but when he can’t be?

There is no one else (apart from Devi) that he’d trust to watch over Kartik. His family is there with him. 

Kartik isn’t alone. 

They will keep him safe, it wasn’t a question. 

And in turn, Aman also knows that Kartik would also help them stay hopeful. 

The worry still doesn't fade away fully. It never could. Not when his mind was plagued with memories of times when someone in the family threatened suicide - they were a very dramatic family. 

So the lingering anxiety is there, nestled in his heart. However, there is hope there too -something that Aman had previously, for a brief moment, let die. 

It’s started back up again, like a small ember or flame. He doesn't know how long it’ll last before his fears and nightmares take over his mind and crush it down. Again. 

For now, though, it provides some warmth in that cold, dark night in a bus, along a highway that is still too far from home. 

So Aman holds on to that little bit of warmth and lets his mind drift to memories of better days. He can’t sleep, but he can rest easy.... albeit a little. 

Leaning his head against the chill window separating him from the outside world that is running by, he thinks of the last time he spoke to Kartik. The night before the day it all went wrong. 

And if a few tears fall down the window, well...that’s a secret between Aman and the world outside. 

~~~

_“Amannnn where are you?” Kartik’s voice whines from the phone._

_“I’m already out of the house Kartik, don’t worry. I’ll be fine,” Aman lies as he tries to finish packing._

_“I’m very right to be worrying because you’re always running late for everything. Remember our third date?”_

_“I wasn’t late that day, the ola was. Shut up, idiot. Anyway, you’re the one who’s always making us late. Especially when we need to catch trains.”_

_“HAAAN? Me?? Seriously? You know-” Kartik pitches, slightly offended._

_“Haan you. See, even now you’re making me run late with you talking my ear off.”_

_“I thought you said you’re already on the way to the station.”_

_“Thank god I am, if not you would have made me late. Again!”_

_“Acha?? Okay fine. I’ll let you get back to your struggles with Dehli transportation, and go sleep.”_

_“Yes. Okay fine. Go sleep. I’ll be there in the morning.”_

_A pause. Before Kartik’s soft voice comes through._

_“....that’s too long to wait though.”_

_“Kartik....”_

_“I can’t sleep properly without you. You know this.” A whisper._

_“Kartik, I’ll be there in the morning. Just one more night okay? And you have everyone else there with you. You’ll be okay.”_

_“You’ll be here in the morning na?”_

_“Haan. Yes. But only if I stop talking to you right now and get to the station on time okay?”_

_“Okay fine. I love you.”_

_“I love you too. I’ll be home soon.”_

  
  


~~~

_“...Just one more night okay? And you have everyone else there with you. You’ll be okay.”_

That one line keeps repeating in his head, long after the tears have dried out, and he lies there on the cot motionless. 

He’s gone limp and he feels lifeless. He doesn’t think he could get up even if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to. 

So he lies awake, yet eyes closed. Thoughts running back and forth, from good memories to painful ones, and back. The only constant? They’re all of Aman. 

His mind wanders to their dates, their fights, the wedding, and then the nights. Last night. The last phone call he’d ever have with Aman. 

It aches in a way that nothing else did. He wishes now, that he’d insisted on talking to Aman more. Maybe even kept him from going, and made Aman late. 

He wonders if anything would have made a difference. Maybe he was always destined to lose Aman like this. 

He daydreams about what would have happened if he had just hugged Aman a bit tighter or held on for a bit longer that day when he left for Allahabad. He yearns for moments like those again. 

The moments when all he feels, is the love that Aman has for him. The feeling of absolute rightness that gives him. Like everything was going to be okay. 

He forces his mind to look past the painful memories and ever-building grief and recall the brighter ones. 

The days that they woke up to with smiles on their faces. The times when one of them would do something stupid and the other would just laugh instead of helping out. The moments when they’d lend a shoulder and heal each other through their presence alone. 

He clenches his eyes as he remembers the times when they promised to be there for each other. zThe times when they _were_ there for each other. 

The times where they did little things that showed the immense love they had for each other. 

And Kartik, as he’s lying there in the cot with Papa and Chacha on either side of him, comes to a realization. 

He can still feel that love.

The love that Aman had willingly given away, the safety that Aman’s love provided him...he feels that love still. 

He thinks he understands a bit better now. 

That one night, months after their wedding kerfuffle, Aman had broken down in the middle of their house, in Delhi. He had cried silently into Kartik’s shoulders and whispered to him about how happy he was, and how grateful he was that their family had accepted them. 

_“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t Kartik. They’re literally a part of me, I don’t know how not to be their son. If they hadn’t -”_

_“Aman, baby..”_

_“Even if we’d left without their blessings I don’t think I could have stopped being a Tri-”_

Kartik had tried to understand, but a part of him could not. He never had the experience of growing up around someone that they literally help shape you into who you are. 

The whole notion of having a group of people- a family- influencing you and making you into who you are? So much so that when they're all together you feel like you're the most you, you have ever been? 

It was something incomprehensible to Kartik.

That night, all he had done was sit there, and let Aman cry into him. 

He let Aman cry about how much his family means to him, and how they make up Aman into who he is. He’d never let Aman know but he also cried that night, because he wished he could have somehow had that too. 

Now, Kartik is lying there in that cot and he’s being surrounded by that very family and he finally _feels_ what Aman meant. 

It was like he finally found that last piece of the puzzle that he didn’t even know he was missing. 

He realized. 

Aman isn't there. He never would be anymore but.... but he was. 

He was there in that house with him, because he can see his Aman in the smallest of things in that house and its people. 

He feels him in the way that Papa is there by his side, brushing his hair. Aman used to do that. 

The way that Chacha puts a blanket around him. It’s his favourite one and the only one Aman used to bring for Kartik on nights like this. 

The soft music he can hear from Keshav’s iPad? Aman’s favourite playlists. 

The smells of his favourite dish wafting through the house from the kitchen? Smells just like how Aman makes it. Aman did say that he’d learnt it from Chachi as a kid. 

And the soft silent support of Mummy and the way Goggle can't seem to sit still? 

They are all these little pieces of Aman that have been left behind. Or in a way, the pieces that have always been there.

For a moment, Kartik takes it all in and ... for a little while, he feels a little less lonely. A little less alone. 

He remembers reading somewhere that when people die, they live on through the people they leave behind...

_Does anyone ever really die?_

It's not the same. It's not the same at all as actually having Aman there with him.

However, it's the same comfort. Albeit smaller, and widespread. 

It’s still the same love he feels. Immeasurable. Even when it’s split six ways....

For the first time since he woke up that morning, Kartik finally feels like he can breathe a bit. 

The pain fades a little. He knows it’ll be back in the morning, but for now, it eases off him as he concentrates more and more on the feeling of warmth coming from the rest. 

He feels himself getting sleepy. The exhaustion of the day finally catching up to him. He lets the soft tunes coming from Keshav’s iPad and Papa’s warm presence near him lull him to sleep. 

He closes his eyes and dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my amazingly talented friends: hackedbyawriter, dhyanshiva, onmywaytopigfarts, Alpenglow3241 & Enigma3000. 
> 
> Go read these people's fics and look at smzsmemes's Yellow Lights edit on insta! They all helped me alot in my works by being insiprations to me!
> 
> (also sorry about mistakes if there are any!)


	6. everyone's together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late and uh, the reunion isnt here yet BUT DEFO WILL BE NEXT CHAPTER I SWEAR

The moment the bus stops at the bus stand Aman is off and running. It’s late at night and early in the morning. He runs to the almost deserted auto stand outside. He doesn't even wait to check on anything . He walks up to the line of autos, throws out his address and gets on the first auto there. 

It takes a minute or two for the driver to get going, and it irks on Aman’s nerves. He already had to deal with a fourteen-hour long bus ride made even longer by traffic. He has run out of patience. 

Worse still, in that one minute or two, he had overheard some of the gossip from the other drivers standing there. Try as he might, he could not shake off the words he heard. 

“...poor Tripathis yaar..”

“Haan first their son and now-”

“I heard their son-in-law also..”

He didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want the gossip. He knows it’s probably baseless. 

Ever since Papa got the entire town on lockdown due to his Kaali Gobis and the protests, their family’s become some sort of gossip rag. 

Added on to the fact that they almost got arrested during a wedding they threw during said curfew meant that they’d become a well-known name in the town. So Aman knows that it was all probably just false rumors. He knows....

He hopes that’s all they were. 

He’s already exhausted and it feels as though he’s been running on fumes.. He hasn’t slept in what feels like ages and his thoughts were just a constant stream of anxious thoughts. 

It’s like all the bad days he’s had at work when he can't wait to come home to Kartik's arms and loving embrace. It's the same feeling but now it’s more intense because yesterday was worse than any workday. 

He always gets stressed when he is away from Kartik, even if it’s just work, and he already had been without him for a week. One long week of being adrift at sea, because his shore, that was Kartik's loving embrace, hadn't been there. And all this culminated into yesterday. 

But, it hadn’t all been bad. Not fully. Momentarily, for a few hours at least, he had been comforted by the thought that Kartik wasn't alone. He had their family to look after him. 

But the warmth he had, at that thought of his family being together, slowly slipped away as the night grew darker and the silence of the highways had started to get on Aman’s nerves. It had been a long drive and his slowly returning anxiety had his mind wandering to the rest of his loved ones. 

His mind wandered to his mom first. Her scream of horror still echoing in the recess of his mind. He’s never heard her scream like that before. Her voice had quivered and it felt...scared. 

But the thing that broke him more was the words that came before the scream. She had picked up the phone and said hello. It sounded more like a cry for help than a greeting. 

Then, when she went to ask who was talking...her voice had cracked a bit. Unnoticeable to most, but to Aman, it was like a huge neon sign. 

Every other time he’s ever heard her pick up the phone before that, her voice was always welcoming and filled with joy, or anger. But that time, that once... Aman heard her falter. She sounded defeated. 

He hates that he’s the reason it was there in the first place. As his guilt festers inside him, he thinks about how his mom would have coped. Is she coping? Did she sob?

She always got sad whenever he left Allahabad to go back to Delhi. She had cried the first time he did, for college and teared up every time since. 

She’s the one that calls him almost every three days to check upon him. A week doesn’t go by without her call and her rants about not calling enough. 

_“My heart only beats for my guddu. How can I go for even a week without talking to you? Haan?”_ she always said, even when he was actively avoiding her and the family - before he came out to them that is. 

Nowadays, she’s been calling more. Because it’s not just him anymore but it’s him and Kartik. _“See, you don’t even want to talk to me like Kartik does. I love you both so much but it feels like Kartik is the only one who loves me back_ ,” she had teased and fake cried. 

Was she crying now? 

And Goggle? His little sister? Oh god how could he have forgotten how emotional she can get. 

She puts on this exterior of not caring about other people’s opinions but Aman knows the truth. She cares so much about the family. They all do. 

But she takes it on herself to always look like she isn’t affected by anything. That she doesn’t care. When reality, however, she feels so much. 

No one else sees that part of her except him. 

He’s the one that’s there when she's having bad nights. He’s the one that’s there when there are dark thoughts in her head. When she needs reassurance as her insecurity bubbles up again for the millionth time. 

God, whenever he isn’t there she doesn’t talk about it. He tries to get her to open up, but she never does. Not to anyone except him. 

He remembers the night of her wedding and what Kartik had told him about finding her in the train station. He had almost cried at the realization of what she almost did. 

He had been thankful that Kartik had found her before anything bad had happened. He was grateful that his sister trusted Kartik enough to follow him back home. 

She had been so distraught that night. Kartik had said she even cried into his shoulder for a while. 

Is she feeling the same now? Is she crying onto Kartik or Kartik crying into her? Are they taking care of each other like they did that night? When they all thought they’d lost everything they held dear?

Thinking about Rajni and her emotional stress bring Aman’s mind to Keshav. 

God that boy has more anxiety issues than Aman himself. The jitters he has isn't just an act. His anxiety is just more constant than anything else. God if only people actually cared about things like mental health. 

Aman knows how bad it gets for his little brother. Keshav holds on to that iPad as a lifeline. It isn’t just a figurative lifeline. It’s the only thing that Keshav has to hold on to most days. 

The knowledge that he can look up any information immediately is what helps Keshav the most. It makes him feel safe to be able to access everything just with his tablet. It’s also the place that Keshav goes to for his own anxiety-reducing videos and breathing exercises. 

Yet, it’s not always a good thing. Not for his brother. Aman remembers times when the iPad has worsened Keshav’s mental state more than helped it. 

He can vividly recall times when Keshav had focused so much on all the bad going on, focused so much on social media that he had spiraled one night. The amount of news about bad events and horrible situations he’d seen had taken a toll on his brother’s already anxiety-riddled mind. 

Aman was the one who had had to step in to pull away the iPad from him. It wasn’t a night he wanted to repeat. Ever. 

But... was Keshav doing that right now? Was he watching the train accident news coverage again and again and torturing himself thinking Aman had been in it?

Aman recalls his own panic attack at the sight of that video, and imagining his baby brother not being able to find comfort in the one safety blanket he has - his iPad- makes his blood go cold. 

Then he remembers Chacha and Chachi. How they had been inconsolable back when Goggle’s eye had been injured. They were wretched. 

He remembers hearing them cry out in pain, louder than even Goggle had been crying. 

Or the other time that he and his siblings had gotten injured playing pranks, and Keshav and him had broken bones...

They had been so worried. His mummy and papa had always been the more controlled ones. Chacha and chachi, wore their hearts on their sleeves. Especially when it came to the three of them, their children. 

Because that’s what he was to them. Even though they were his uncle and aunt, they always treated him like their son. To him, they were his second parents. 

To even consider that they’re going through the same pain right now, that same anguish, that they had that day in the hospital... but because of him? 

Oh god, who would be there for them? For any of them?

Then the thought hit him. 

Papa. Shankar Tripathi. 

If everyone was as broken up as he was worrying then papa would be worse. 

People might think that he is always calm and composed, that nothing fazes him but that’s not fully true. 

Aman grew up seeing otherwise. 

His papa had once told him as a kid, that one day he was going to grow up to lead the family, a family of his own. 

A family that would look up to him, and that it meant he had to always be able to compartmentalize and go. At the drop of a hat. 

_“Beta, like it or not, you will one day be the head of a family. And you will have so many people expecting you to make the decisions. They’ll come to you with their problems and you have to always be able to put aside your emotions and do the job.”_

More so than anything, Aman remembers the exhausted tone in his voice. Once Aman had started to notice, he started to see that it happened more often then he liked. 

_“Having a big family na? It’s very good. Very fun. But leading it... beta, it won’t be their fault but they will always look to you in tough situations. You have to be the one always in control okay. You have to help manage all of them. Not just one. The family comes first, it needs to stick together.”_

_“But papa,”_ Aman had asked with that childlike innocence he had, like the chubby, cute, and pampered 8 year old that he was. “ _What about you? What if you’re sad?”_

_“I take care of myself Aman. No one else has to worry about that.”_

_“But....”_

_“No beta, don’t worry about me. When you’re older, just remember, you have to make sure everyone else is ok. They will all look up to you. You can’t show weakness or how tired you feel.”_

Aman never had a name to put to that emotion that he felt that day until years later. It was sadness. He hadn’t realized how much pressure his Papa was under. 

The toll that he must have gone through. He’s always the one pushing himself aside to put the family first. No one even bothers to check on him. No one asks if he’s okay. They just assume he is. He always is isn't he?

Aman only realized it fully later in life that no, his dad wasn’t always as okay as he seemed. Once Aman understood that he had tried to take some of the load off of him. 

But what was his Papa doing now? Without him there... who was checking upon him? He knows that the rest would be there for Kartik, and his Papa would be there for everyone else. But his papa....

Aman had been so caught up with worrying about his husband that he didn't fully think about what the rest of his family might be going through. 

_Or maybe you just wanted to spare yourself from the agony and guilt._ His mind whispered. 

Because that’s all he was feeling now. Guilt. 

Logically he knows it’s not his fault, but ... how was he going to make his aching heart understand that?

Even if it wasn’t his fault, he was still the reason that every single person he loved was in pain right now. And try as he might, he can’t lessen the pain without being there. 

He needs to be there. By their side. He was already supposed to be there. 

Which is why he’s been sitting at the edge of his seat for the entire ride to his house. He had to be ready to run. And after a short ride that felt like an eternity, the auto finally stops at his street, a few feet away from his doorstep. 

The moment the wheels stop, Aman is bolting out of his seat, throwing some money to the driver and he’s off. 

He’s literally running back to his family. 

He needs them to be okay. He needs to be there for them. He has to. 

So he runs and pushes open the door of his house. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be way longer but i didn't want to make you guys wait more. So here it is. The next chapter should be up by next weekend, or even earlier because it's already somewhat written! :) 
> 
> also sorry if there are mistakes, i was rushing it!
> 
> (also kill me if you need to, i accept everything)


	7. here with us right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, I know this is late. But I've just been having a rough time last week, and usually the june & july time of the year isn't the best time for me for reasons. So it took a lot for me to get this out. Hope you don't mind the wait. (and the mistakes if any!)
> 
> And I'm going to go ahead and say sorry for no Kartik and Aman reunion yet. I PROMISE next chapter is all Kartik and Aman being with each other. This one though, it's just family. Because that's very important too. (also it's my longest chapter yet, at 4k so that has to count for something right?)
> 
> Also, a HUGE thanks to my daughters, shreya, sam, sargun who kept me motivated and let me ramble about this, in my attempts to write it. I love you and everyone of my kids tbh who helps me alot every day like. You guys are the bestest thing about 2020. <3333

The first thing Aman noticed as he walked in was that everyone seemed to be in the courtyard. That made his life easier. He didn’t know what he thought he would find but he’s glad that he doesn't need to go knocking on bedroom doors in the middle of the night. 

No one’s noticed him yet. He scans the house, and something feels off. Immediately he starts doing a headcount.

His eyes scan past the cot in the middle of the house, with Chaman Chacha and Papa sitting on them. 

Two. 

He looks to the steps and sees mummy sitting there, eyes half-closed, resting her head against the wall, but facing the cot. 

Three. 

He looks at the kitchen and sees Chachi sleeping there. 

Four. 

He finally locks on to Goggle sitting slumped in a chair in the courtyard and his ears lead him to find Keshav in a corner, not too far away. The music from his iPad is still softly playing as the entire house remains silent. 

Six. 

Wait. Six? 

Aman starts looking around again. No one’s seen him yet. Most of them are asleep. Except for Papa. Aman can see his Papa moving about and sighing but he’s got his back turned to Aman so he doesn’t notice him. Aman doesn’t know if mommy is also awake but it looks like she is. 

In any case, Aman notes that almost everyone’s there. He can see everyone, except... Kartik. He tries not to panic. He’s done nothing but panic for the past twenty-four hours. He’s made it this far without breaking down. He can’t break down now.

But...where’s Kartik? 

He had been so worried about the rest, but he can rest assured that they’re all fine now. He did a headcount. He can see them. The rest of his family are safe and sound in front of his eyes but his husband? 

_ Where is he?  _

As Aman looks around frantically, his eyes finally catch on to Papa moving. He was moving his arm back and forth like he was... brushing something?

That’s when Aman finally notices a figure lying on the cot. He didn't notice it before because the still body was almost covered from view by both his father and uncle sitting on it. 

They’re sitting on either side of the cot as if they were protecting something precious. As if they were standing guard against the terrors that a night like this could bring. 

As Aman looks closer, he sees the one person that he’d been yearning to see. His Kartik.

Kartik is lying on the bed, in the middle of the house. Just like that first night he’d spent here. Back then, no one had been near him like this, He’d been left alone. Now, Aman sees the rest of the family surrounding him. 

For a split second though, Aman thinks of the worst-case scenario. Is he moving? Is he breathing? His mind wanders. 

And without him knowing, a small and broken word escapes him, as if it were a prayer. 

“Kartik?”

~~~~

The moment he utters the word, it’s as if the spell that had fallen all over the house had suddenly broken. Champa snaps up, her eyes wide, tired, and yet so full of hope. 

She had been sleeping, but her sleep had been a troubled one. The past day's events wouldn’t let her rest, no matter how hard she’d tried. She had fallen asleep to the image of a crying Kartik, sandwiched between Chaman and Shankar. 

Her mind had taken that image and made her restless. That coupled with the fact that she had always been a light sleeper, had woken her up when the front door had opened loudly. But she only truly registered what was going on around her when she heard that voice. 

Her nephew’s voice. Just like it sounded every time someone in the family got hurt, and Aman was worried. 

She immediately woke up and sat upright from where she had been lying in the kitchen. Her eyes immediately went to the front door. In front of it, standing shrouded in the darkness, yet illuminated by the light from the moon, was Aman. 

Without her control, her eyes start tearing up at the sight. She hopes and wishes it wasn't a dream. This is what they were supposed to have woken up to last night. Not that horrible news. And yet....

As Champa stared at her nephew wondering if this was real, the rest of the family had woken up too. Champa distantly thinks if it was because none of them had really been sleeping. How could they after all? 

But she brushes that thought aside as she stands up and half stumbles to her nephew. Before she could reach, she sees Aman get tackled by both Rajni and Keshav. And looking at the three of her kids together again, she can’t help but smile through the tears. 

~~~~

Goggle doesn’t care that Aman stumbles back at the force of her and Keshav’s hug. She doesn’t care that he can't handle both their weights and his luggage. The only thing that she cares about is that the person standing in front of her is him. Aman. Her brother. 

She curses in her head as she clings on to him tighter. She feels him drop his bags and grab her tenderly. One arm around her and the other around Keshav. 

Finally, Goggle feels like she can breathe. Her big brother is okay. He’s back. He’s right here, with her, like he always had been. He’s  _ alive.  _

The part of her that wants to appear strong doesn’t want to cry. But the part of her that will always be Aman’s little sister, is already getting worked up with way too many emotions. But for the first time since yesterday morning, her tears aren’t filled with grief or loss. 

She hears him whisper into both her and Keshav’s ears that he’s fine. He’s repeating it as he would to a baby. 

_ “Im okay. Nothing happened na? It’s all okay. I’m completely fine.” _

She supposes to him, they are a little like that. They're his baby brother and little sister and Aman had always had a very protective big brother side to him. 

God how she’d missed that so much in the span of just twenty-four hours. She never thought that there would ever be a time when he wouldn’t be there for her. Until yesterday. 

Ever since she was born, she had had Aman there beside her. She always had him to look up to. He was more than just her brother, he was her best friend and role model. 

Aman was her everything. She doesn’t know how she had survived the past day or two but now that she has her brother back in her arms, she doesn’t ever want to let go. 

She just hugs him tightly, as tears spill out of her eyes unwillingly onto his shoulder. He doesn’t complain and just keeps reassuring them that he’s okay. 

Goggle doesn't know how long she stays there like that. She stays until her heart feels a bit lighter. She only pulls away when she feels a gentle hand on her back. 

~~~~

As Goggle lets go of Aman to turn and look at her, Sunaina removes her hand from Goggle’s back. She only vaguely registers Keshav stepping away too. 

Her entire attention is on Aman. Her Guddu. 

The one person that she thought she’d never see again. The person she thought she’d lost forever. Her son. 

_ One of my sons.  _ The mother in her whispers. 

She still doesn’t know if he’s real. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up...just in case. 

She moves closer to him as the kids move away to give her space. She slowly lifts her hands and places it on either side of his face. 

She just lets the feel of her son in her arms sink in for a bit. She had worried that this would be an illusion but the feeling she has while holding him right now is too real to ever be a hallucination. 

It feels just like it did that first day almost thirty years ago when she’d held him for the first time in the hospital. She’s still frozen a little, and she doesn’t move to remove her hands from her son, nor to let him out of her sight. 

She just stands there, taking him in. She looks at him. Really looks at him. She sees the crumpled and crinkled clothes, the splotches of tears on his shoulders. The dirt that clings to his shoes and pants. 

She gently brushes her hand through the ragged mess of his hair, as the other hand silently thumbs away at the remnants of tears. 

His bloodshot eyes might not have been so obvious to the rest but to her they were. She knows her son after all. 

As she stands there gently holding his face, like he was fragile glass, Aman brings his own hands up to grasp onto her wrist. 

Without looking away from her, he asks in a joking tone, “What happened mummy? Usually, you never shut up when talking to me.”

He’s smiling as he asks it, but there is a slight sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. That does it. 

Sunaina finally looks at him, at the son she’s never stopped loving and pulls him into a hug. She’s crying now but she doesn’t care. She thought her life had stopped spinning. 

The only reason she had had to be strong was for Kartik but now she’s got both her sons again and the emotions spill over like a dam. 

She pulls back and starts immediately looking over him. Searching him for injuries and such, as she falls back into her default mom mode. 

She’s still slightly panicking from the sheer worry she had bottled up. But now all of it is being unleashed as a rambling rant. She goes on to chide him about being an idiot. For making them worry. 

She scolds him a little for putting them through so much heartbreak because she doesn't know how to handle her emotions if she's not crying or scolding someone. 

But even though she’s yelling at him as to why he couldn’t have called them or something, internally she’s filled with so much relief and joy. 

But then Aman asks her, “Mummy I did call. But you... you ran away screaming Kartik’s name. What happened to him? He’s okay na? Is he alright?”

Sunaina freezes in her emotional frenzy. She still has Aman in her arms, but now Aman is the one holding on to her hands and begging her to tell him what happened to his love. 

How was she supposed to explain? How was she going to look at her son in the eyes and tell him that they’d failed and that Kartik had broken down in ways that none of them could have anticipated?

She doesn't know what to say. Everything feels too intense and as she’s trying to build up the resolve to admit to Aman how much they’ve failed Kartik and him, Keshav’s voice cuts through. 

~~~~

“He... cried himself to sleep bhaiya.” Keshav says, almost too softly. 

Aman immediately turns to look at him. Keshav notices the troubled expression on his face. He also notices the barely concealed guilt in them too. “What?” Aman asks again, this time pain filling his voice. 

Keshav gets it. Aman hates the thought of anyone of them being in pain. Aman would do anything to keep them from getting hurt. 

Keshav looks at Aman. His brother’s focused gaze shifts from him to Kartik’s prone form sleeping on the cot. Keshav follows his gaze to see Shankar and Kartik. When everyone else had run up to Aman, tauji had been the only one who didn’t.

He was still beside Kartik’s side, running his hands through Kartik’s hair as he slept. But his gaze was looking at Aman, and the bubble of people surrounding him. 

Aman making a sound of surprise, brings Keshav’s attention back to Aman. Sunaina had moved away now. Chaman had taken over hugging Aman from the side, holding on to him as Aman struggled a little in his uncle’s firm grasp. 

Keshav noted that Aman’s eyes kept flickering between Chacha and Kartik. Aman’s worry for Kartik warring with his need to reassure Chacha and the rest. 

That was his big brother’s nature. He might be very reserved in his nature, but when it came to family, Aman’s care knew no bounds. No matter how troubled he was, he’d always try his best to help everyone else out. 

Keshav remembers times when Aman would help him out with his own anxiety. He wouldn’t show many symptoms, but he’d get more closed off. Sometimes he’d just sit in a corner and clutch at his iPad. 

If Aman was around, he would always come and sit beside Keshav and ask him stupid questions. Or tease him about random things. 

It might look like Aman was bullying him to others, but for Keshav, those moments would help ground him. To the here. To the now. 

It would help him remember that even if he messes up, Aman and the rest would just tease him and let it go. It would remind him that everything was still normal. All his anxieties were just that. Anxiety. 

Aman had even been the one that suggested to him to make a playlist for his bad days. Aman had even picked some of the songs. 

Keshav remembers that he was listening to them last night. Listening, and trying his best not to cry as well. He suddenly realizes that the music is still playing, but ...his iPad wasn’t with him. 

For a moment, Kehav lets himself look away from his brother as he looks at his iPad. It lay on the floor discarded. It was still playing music, and the words gripped his heart even more. 

The words reflected him and his situation right now. One part of him wanted to go grab the iPad. It wanted him to hold it in his arms as his safety blanket. But...he brushes the thought aside. 

He’d left it behind when he’d run to hug Aman. He doesn’t need it right now. He has something else to hold on to. 

His hands that usually held his iPad now wander to Aman. He reaches out and Aman immediately latches onto his hand. 

Keshav relaxes a bit, but he soon notices the way Aman held on to his hand tighter. 

It wasn’t Keshav holding on to Aman right now, but Aman holding on to Keshav as his own anxiety grew bit by bit. 

Keshav understands what’s going on. Right now, Aman needs Kartik. His big brother needs to reassure himself that Kartik is okay; that they’re all going to be okay. 

Keshav has always known that Aman doesn’t have a huge anxiety disorder like he, himself, does. Nor does he get panic attacks like Kartik does. 

But Keshav’s done the research. He knows the symptoms of slow-building anxiety. He also remembers overhearing Aman’s yells from that first day at Google’s wedding. 

_ “I get stressed whenever I'm away from Kartik mummy...” _

He knows that while it isn't as bad as them, Aman also has been through hell these past few hours. And he’s already gone for a week without Kartik before that. 

Aman needs to be next to Kartik now. They can cry and hug later. Now Aman needs Kartik and Kartik needs to wake up to see that Aman is alive. 

So Keshav slowly grabs Chacha by the elbow with his free hand and pulls him back a little. 

~~~~

Chaman glances towards Keshav for a small second. His smile is forlorn and he is slightly frowning. When Chaman meets the boy’s eyes, he sees him shake his head minutely. 

_ Now’s not the time Chacha _ , the soft eyes seem to say, without anyone even uttering the words. 

Chaman is confused momentarily until he focuses back on Aman. He’s not verbally saying anything other than that he’s okay, over and over again but his body posture screams otherwise. 

He’s struggling, albeit lightly, against his hold like he did....that day. He remembers that day, when he also had Aman in his arms, holding him like this. 

But that day, he’d been holding him  _ back  _ as Aman had screamed and pleaded with him to let go. So he can be with Kartik. 

That day he’d begged out of fear for his boyfriend’s life. For a boy that had been almost a complete stranger to them. But now, he’s barely even struggling against his hold, even as his eyes tell a different story. 

They’re completely hooked on Kartik, his husband, and seem to be yearning to be by his side. The once unfamiliar boy had now become their son too. 

But what really gets through to Chaman, through his haze of relief and emotional turmoil, is when Aman says, “Chacha, I’m okay. But please, I need to get to Kartik. Please.”

Chaman doesn’t know if anyone else heard it, but the words make him recall an almost identical event just yesterday morning. Kartik too had broken down then and repeated over and over again the words, “I need to go to Aman. Aman needs me”.

_ Had it really only been one day? _

He looks at these two boys who are the same kind of wreck without each other and his heart, aches. He never wants to see either of them without the other again. He knows that they can't be themselves without the other, and he sees that now. 

And as that realization dawns on him, he immediately lets go of Aman. He doesn’t want to but...

Keshav was right. Now wasn’t the time. They have so much more time now. More time then they thought they had. 

Time, they thought they had lost, was somehow by a miracle, given back to them. They had time. Maybe not always, and they can never know for how long more but... for now they had some time.

So they can question later. They can scream and cry out in joy later. Not now. 

So he lets Aman go. 

~~~~

Aman pushes himself to walk away from Chacha’s steady embrace and forces himself to let go of Keshav’s warm hand. 

He stumbles a bit but manages to walk towards the pair on the cot. Shankar was looking at the scene of his family, but now his eyes were all on his son. He’s walking slowly towards them, and as he nears them, Aman calls out to him. 

“Papa?” 

Shankar stops stroking Kartik’s hair and gets up to meet Aman midway. The moment he’d heard his son call out to him, he couldn’t help but run to him. 

It was like suddenly he was back, thirty years ago. When he saw Aman walk for the first time and he was running to catch him before he fell. 

Back then he still had had time to be there for his son. He doesn’t know when that had stopped, but last night had drilled home the point of how precious time was. 

Now, he doesn’t ever want to miss a single moment of his son’s life. 

As he meets Aman halfway, he’s already opening his arms to hug him. Aman falls into him and Shankar tries to hold back tears but it doesn’t work. A few tears slip away without his permission. He pulls back from Aman to try and wipe them away. 

But Aman stops him. “Papa, if you need to cry, then cry. Don’t hide it.”

At those words from him, Shankar feels like somehow he’d become the child, and Aman was the one looking out after him. He pulls Aman back into him and it really feels like somehow, he’s the one that’s being held by Aman. To stop him from breaking down from too many pent up emotions. 

Nevertheless, Shankar let’s go of Aman’s arms and brings his hands up and cradles his son’s head against his chest. Like he had done that day at the train station. 

Thinking about that day reminds him of how Kartik had also come and run up to him and hugged him from the back. 

He wishes Kartik was awake to do that now so that he can have both his sons in his arms. But Kartik had exhausted himself while crying to sleep, and Shankar was loath to disturb whatever rest he was getting. 

Even though Kartik needs to know that Aman is alive, he shouldn’t be woken up from his sleep. God knows the boy hadn’t slept well in a week. 

So he just clutches onto Aman for now. A part of him, the part that is still so terrified that this is a dream, wants to hold on forever. 

Like he used to do when Aman was a kid or whenever the boys would get hurt. He doesn’t want to remove his hands away from Aman, even when Aman pulls back and tries to look past him at Kartik. 

He wants to stupidly hold on to his kid because as long as Aman was in his arms, he would be safe. He would be protected. 

But... kids grow up. Shankar knows that he can’t always hold his sons in his hands and keep them there forever. No matter how much any parent might want to, that’s not what parenting is about. 

He looks down at his sons. One of them in his arms, and the other sleeping in a cot, dead to the world and slightly twisting around in pain from night terrors. 

He doesn’t want to give them up to the harshness of the world, but he also knows that there's no one he’d trust more to take care of each other than the two of them. 

He knows in his heart that this boy, the one he used to hate - and hates himself for hating him- would take care of Aman better than anyone else could. And he knows that Aman will never let Kartik down either. 

If Aman can narrowly avoid death to be here for Kartik, then Shankar knows that the two boys will be safe. With each other. 

_ “Ap hi duniya ho, hai na papa?” _

Kartik had once said to them. Shankar wonders if the two of them knew that they were also this family’s world. He lets the thought pass by, as he focuses on what’s more important now. 

He lets go of Aman. Gently, he nudges him forward to Kartik. Silently asking Aman to replace Shankar at the cot, and by Kartik’s bedside. 

Aman doesn’t need to be told twice, as he rushes to Kartik. His eyes still transfixed on the man lying on the bed. Almost hesitantly, as if he too was worried that this was an illusion., Aman picks up Kartik’s head and rearranges it onto his lap. 

The moment he does so, Shankar notices that Kartik’s frown and pained expression eases into something calmer. Kartik stops shifting as Aman bends down and kisses his forehead. 

It somehow feels too intimate of a moment to watch, so Shankar turns away a little. But he can’t stay away for long. He needs to see them, to keep reminding himself that they were there. Both of them. 

He moves away slightly, to a chair in the courtyard, and slumps down into it. He notices that everyone else too goes back to staying around the bed. Everyone is watching both their boys. 

Of course, they are. The fear that they'll both disappear if they stop is still there.

Yet, Shankar also notes the smiles in the corner of their lips, and a little bit of happiness in their eyes now. 

And as the sun started to shine through the night, and dawn started to break, Shankar looked at his little patchwork of a family made whole again and smiled. 

At least today, they were all here. Together. At least for now, he could finally rest his mind and heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Brother" by Kodaline is the song that's playing from Keshav's iPad as this happens. It's part of the anti-anxiety playlist Aman made for Keshav. I didn't include it in the fic because just the thought of Keshav listening to it and crying when he thought Aman was gone and then listening to it again made me very very shakey. It felt too raw to put in so i didnt! 
> 
> ALSO: I'm going to actually MAKE the anti-anxiety playlist of Keshav's (it's Kartik and Aman's too in a way). If any of you have songs you want to suggest from your own anti-anxiety playlists, comment them! I'll take a look and add :) 
> 
> (this chapter was a new experiment for me too! Never tried to tell a coherent timeline of events while switching between this many povs, and all of them picking up where the other one left off at. So please tell me if it worked!! I really wanted to get the whole family's emotions in. The order was Aman, Champa, Rajni, Sunaina, Keshav, Chaman, Shankar.)


	8. i'll come back to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy so there's a lot i want to say. i'll leave that for the end notes. But for now, I just want to thank Arunima (Karman_Love) for the last few chapters of Touch. It helped me get out of my funk and continue this chapter. And also my kids cus they're always always there for me. 
> 
> sorry for the wait, and uh. sorry for the immense pain. Might be the most painful chapter yet. I broke myself a lot trying to write this. (no im not kidding my kids will tell you how i had to take lots of breaks while wrting this) it is happy ending but there's still some last bits of pain left before that so be careful. love you all.

Kartik dreams of water. He doesn’t recall how exactly he’d got there or where he actually was, but he knows he’s underwater. He can feel the water pulling and pushing him in all directions. He doesn’t know which way is up, nor is he a good enough swimmer to try and move. 

He struggles against the current, thrashing about in his mind, as he tries to remember what Aman taught him about swimming. 

He never really knew how to swim, being the city boy that he was. But Aman had tried to teach him once. 

Aman grew up swimming in the Ganga near his home and he always said he missed it. Now, Kartik tries to recall Aman’s lessons as he struggles against the torrents of his own nightmare. 

He suddenly feels a hand grabbing his own, and intertwining their fingers together. Someone’s pulling him up, he doesn’t know who or where but a distant part of his mind whispers that he’s safe now. 

He’s not alone. He’s safe. Someone’s got him. He doesn’t have to fight anymore. He can let go and let the other person usher him ashore. 

So he lets go. 

That’s how Kartik wakes up. He wakes up from memories of drowning and suffocating to the feeling of safety. Of someone carding their fingers through his hair, of someone holding him protectively in their arms. 

His consciousness is returning bit by bit, and it makes his breath hitch. The events of the night before and vague figments of his nightmare come back to him. 

Remembering makes him pause. He slowly takes in the roughness of the cot beneath him, the sharpness of the sunlight hitting his face, and the quietness of the air around him. Yet, even with all of that, the sense of safety is still there. 

Somehow. 

Kartik cries a little inside knowing that this is all most likely still just a dream. It has to be. 

There is no other explanation for this feeling. Because...

The only person he’s ever felt this safe with was gone now. He’ll never feel safe and loved again. Not like before. 

The thought shakes him to the core. 

Kartik doesn’t want to open his eyes. He doesn’t want to witness a world that continued to spin when Kartik’s own bright star had combusted into flames. 

Briefly, the image of the train accident pops into his head, and he feels as if he too was stuck inside those flames. His soul burning into ashes together with Aman’s. 

But distantly, he hears the sounds of papa and mummy calling out his name. His pupils flicker under his still closed eyelids and he tries to open them, but grief and the long dried tears have welded them shut. 

He wonders how difficult it is to wake up and a small part of him, the one that was always with Aman even when they’re apart, wishes if he could stay like that and drift off too. Drift off and join Aman... but no. 

He can’t do that. 

Kartik remembers the tears that were spilled last night. He remembers the cries he heard in his name. 

He knows he can't leave them. 

Not after the love they’d kept pouring onto him when all he could do was sit and cry. 

He remembers the way he felt at peace. Even if only for a little while, and he knows that he can't leave. This is the only place, other than Delhi, that has anything of Aman left anymore. and Delhi is a place that he doesn't want to touch. He can't.

The house....their house.... his house.

The pain shoots through him again at that thought. Imagining going back to Delhi feels paralyzing. More so than the nightmares he’s had. 

He doesn't want to go back to a place that was supposed to be “theirs” only to be left with nothing but memories and unfulfilled promises of a future that will never come to pass.

It’s his house now. Everything that used to be “theirs” is now... just his. Because the other person he was supposed to share everything with was dead and long gone.

It’s no longer their home, their TV, their photographs, their kitchen. What he has left is just his bike, his bedroom, his house. His..family? 

_ Are they even my family?  _ His insecure younger self whispers into his mind, for a millisecond. The thought disappears almost immediately as it had come because it was ridiculous. 

Yes. Of course, they are his family. Last night proved that. It proved that he always has a place here with them. With the Tripathis. Here in Allahabad. 

It’s funny how a place he’s only known for a little while has come to mean home in all senses of the word to him. How it’s now the only comfort he has is a world that feels shatteringly lonely to him. 

He doesn't think he deserves it. The love, the care, the affection that’s so readily given. 

Especially not when the one person that had tied them together was no longer here. 

And... it wasn’t even like they were legally married. They were married in the way that mattered. To him and Aman their marriage had been as real as any other but - in the eyes of the world, it didn't exist. It never did. 

That means that legally...Kartik didn’t have any claim to this family. And yet, he knows that there is nowhere else but here that he belongs. 

He knows that even if he decided to leave, the rest of them won’t let him go. They’d remind him that he was a Tripathi or Singh-Tripathi every day. 

His thoughts are disrupted when he feels a sudden warmth on his forehead. Like someone had just kissed him. 

He doesn’t want to wake up too soon but the warmth of someone brushing his hair tenderly and faint sounds of a voice whispering sweet nothings urges him to come back to the land of the living. 

So he brushes away the thoughts of water, drowning, and pain and focuses on the voice calling out to him. As he slowly wakes up, the voice becomes more and more familiar and the words become distinguishable. 

“Kartik, wake up baby. I’m right here. Open your eyes Kartik. It’s okay I’ve got you.” 

His eyelids flutter open and he struggles to make out what’s in front of him as the light blinds him temporarily. 

He squints and tries to make out the figure that was looking at him. The face is blocking the sun’s harsh rays, if only a bit, and the rest of the light seems to frame the person’s profile, almost creating a halo around them. 

Kartik blinks away the last vestiges of sleep and stares into what must be his own mind’s desperate cries of help. 

No. He must still be dreaming. He’s probably seeing what he wants to see. 

There’s no way that Aman was here with him. 

No. 

He remembered crying himself to sleep, wondering about waking up in Aman’s arms. About what it would have been like to wake up to Aman that day instead of the dreadful news.

That must be it. 

He’s imagining what his heart yearns for. That’s the only explanation. 

Because him going to sleep and waking up conveniently in the arms of his husband? No. 

He doesn’t get that kind of lucky. Not in life. 

He’s already used up all of his miracles when he’d found a soulmate in Aman and later, a family in the Tripathis. 

Life is never that kind towards him that he’d also get his Aman back after losing him. Things like this don't happen to Kartik Singh. No. 

_ It’s about time my mind finally cracks.  _ He thinks to himself. 

He chuckles out loud, without a trace of any humour. Of course, the moment he stops living in denial and accepts that Aman is gone... is when his mind goes off the deep end and starts hallucinating. 

He knew this was always a possibility. It was the only thing missing from the slew of mental health issues he’s had all his life. 

Nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, and now...hallucinations too. 

_ I wish you were real. I wish I never have to face reality without you by my side.  _ He thinks, as his eyes still fixate on the visage of his husband. 

Tears that he’d thought he’d run out of, start to prickle his eyes again. 

He doesn’t want to even blink for a second, too afraid that the illusion will shatter with the slightest movement. 

“Kartik....” he hears a soft whisper coming from somewhere. He’s too shaken to figure out whose voice it is, but he knows it’s not from Aman.

Suddenly, he realizes how this must look to everyone else. He startles up from the cot and out of not-Aman’s hands. 

He doesn't focus on how real the touch felt. He doesn’t concentrate on how grounding the fake Aman’s presence is. 

He knows in his mind that it’s not real. Even if his traitorous heart takes some comfort in the illusion. Or was it the other way around? 

Kartik doesn’t want to know. He forces his eyes to look at anywhere else but next to him. He stands up from the cot, trying to get away from his hallucinations. 

But he stands up a bit too fast and trips a little. He steadies himself before he can fall. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees nakli-Aman’s hands reach for him. He pretends no one’s there. 

_ No one is there. Aman isn’t there. He’s dead. Pull yourself together Kartik. Don't let them know.  _

“Kartik...” He hears again. this time he heard both Aman’s voice and Papa’s mixed together. 

  
He looks up at Papa who’s now come to stand by him, arms out as if he’s about to catch him if he so much as stumbles again. He immediately walks into his arms and melts into a hug. 

Papa wastes no time in wrapping him up and holding him. Kartik breathes out harshly, but slowly, trying to keep the tears at bay. 

He feels Papa slowly moving them back to the cot. He sits down and stays in Papa’s arms, trying so hard not to open his eyes to see if his Aman-hallucination was still there. 

He can’t handle it if he wasn’t. He can’t handle it if he was.

So he stays unmoving, in the comfort of Papa’s arms, blissfully ignorant of everything else. He thinks he can even faintly smell Aman but that’s probably his wishful thinking. 

Of course, he’d smell Aman. He was being hugged by Papa and in Aman’s childhood home. Aman was always there in every nook and corner of this house. Of course, his deranged mind would pick up on all that and convince him that Aman was here. 

Even though he wasn’t. 

He clenches his eyes shut tighter when he feels Papa slowly let go of him, and pull him away from himself a little. 

“Kartik, please look at me.” He hears not-Aman’s voice come from behind him. 

The surprise of hearing the voice and the pain of a headache forming causes Kartik to open his eyes. But he doesn’t turn around to look. He keeps his eyes focused on the ground. 

He keeps his mind focused on Papa in front of him and his arms holding him firmly.  He guesses he’s worried everyone when he starts hearing the other move closer to him. He looks up a little to see Chacha standing on his other side. 

Even though he sees the hand coming, he still flinches when Chacha’s hand gently lays on his shoulder. 

“Beta, kya hua?” He asks softly. 

Kartik doesn’t know what to say. He must be scaring them again. He doesn’t want to. He hates himself a bit more for causing them more pain on top of what they all already had to deal with. But he can’t help himself. 

His mind has finally lost it and try as hard as he might, he can’t keep it a secret from the rest. He wants them to not worry about him but that’s an impossible task. 

He’s the only part of Aman they have left. He knows that like how he knows they are all that Kartik himself has left of Aman. 

They need each other. And Kartik can’t keep pretending like he’s okay when evidently he’s not. 

So he looks up into Chacha’s eyes and forces the words out of his mouth. It comes out soft and shaken. But the implications of it ring loud and clear. 

“Everywhere I look, I can’t stop seeing him chacha.” 

The silence that follows is deafening. He sees fake-Aman still from the corner of his eyes. He watches as chacha’s eyes flit to the side and back to him. He sees the tears form in his eyes just as he feels papa’s arms on him go slack. 

He thinks he hears either mummy or Chachi sob. He doesn’t want this. He never asked to be hurt like this. 

He wishes he was normal, that he could keep his already fractured mind from fracturing even further but of course, that’s not how it works.

Anger pools in his heart. Anger at the world for taking Aman away, anger at the family for being so understanding and caring, anger at Aman for ebing dead. But mostly, anger and rage against himself that he was hurting the only people he has left in his life. 

They are his lifeline and they’ve done so much for him but he hasn’t done anything but hurt them again and again and - 

“He’s real beta.” Chacha’s quivering voice interrupts his thoughts. 

_ What? No.  _

Kartik’s eyes widen in surprise. He hears a faint “I’m real Kartik, I’m here.” from the side but he ignores it. 

He needs to be sure. He needs to be really convinced of Aman being here before he can let himself hope again. He would die if he got his hopes up for nothing. 

So he ignores everyone around him and stares at the one person other than Aman that had been there for him since the start. His Chacha. 

Chacha would never lie to him. He’s the one that loved him before the rest did. The one that stood up for him to the police. Chacha and him were like best friends. 

If Papa was the father he’d never had, then Chacha was like his older brother and best friend. 

He’d never lie to Kartik. 

So Kartik looked at him, the only person that can ease his mind at that moment and almost begged him for an answer. 

The answer that can either break him or be his saving grace. 

“Chacha... please. Don’t lie to me. Aman...”

Chacha’s hands replaced papa’s on his shoulder, and he slowly knelt down to meet Kartik’s eye level. He gently grabbed Kartik’s face, as if he would a child’s and looked him in the eyes. 

“Beta, Aman’s safe. Aman’s here. He’s alive. Dekho” He said, turning Kartik and making him look at Aman. “He’s right here. He’s safe. He’s not going anywhere.”

Kartik finally looked at the sight of Aman that he’d been so terrified of seeing. His eyes frantically searched every inch of Aman. They traveled from his shaggy and disheveled hair to his dark, pain-filled eyes and to the worn-out shoes he’s wearing. 

It reminded him of the first time he laid his eyes on Aman years ago. When this wonderful clumsy idiot that he loved catapulted his way into his life and stayed. It felt like that all over again. 

It took a while for his heart to catch up with what his mind was comprehending. 

He hadn’t taken in how vivid Aman was before. Because he was so distracted by seeing him in the first place and trying not to notice him. 

But now... hearing that he was real... He didn’t think. He just threw himself back into Aman’s arms without a single care. 

Aman would catch him. He always did. 

The moment he collided with Aman’s strong, and so very real body, was when Kartik’s emotions let out. 

He started to sob a bit at first. He clawed his nails into the back of Aman’s sweater. It smelled like home. It smelt like their old cupboard back in Delhi, mixed with the smell of roadside chai and cigarettes. 

It smelled like Aman. 

That’s when he felt Aman’s hands come up being him to hold his head. Aman’s fingers ran through his hair and pulled him flush against his chest, holding him there. 

There were whispers of reassurances that were falling like honey from Aman’s lips but Kartik couldn’t make the words out because another sound drowned them out. 

Aman had cradled Kartik’s head in a way that he was lying right on top of Aman’s heart. His ear was pressed against Aman’s chest and his husband's heartbeat - 

Good god how that beautiful steady sound felt like a siren song to Kartik. Aman’s whispered confessions of love and apologies were tuned out in favour for the breathtakingly amazing sound of his heart. 

His heart that's beating. Steadily. The heart that he fell in love with. 

The heart that was now constantly reminding him that his Aman was  _ alive.  _

He was alive. 

And that’s when Kartik’s sobs started to turn into bouts of laughter. He couldn't help himself. The relief he felt was so enormous it poured out of him in waves. The drastic change from anger, grief, and pain from mere moments ago to this... overwhelming happiness had him in stitches. 

His eyes started to tear up at the force of his laughter and he smiles. 

He slowly pulled away from Aman’s chest and looked at those eyes he’d been missing all week. They looked at him, teary and so full of love that his heart felt like it was drowning in happiness. 

He let go of Aman’s clothes and brought his hands to cup his face. 

“Hi” Aman whispered into the still air around them. Kartik stared into those deep eyes without blinking. 

The smile on his face grew larger, even though Kartik didn’t think it could. “Hi.” Kartik chuckled wetly as a reply. 

“Sorry I’m late.” Aman continued. He pressed their foreheads together as close as he could. “You were right.” He whispered again as if he was confessing something important. 

Without breaking eye contact, Aman finished what he was trying to say, “I missed my train.” 

They looked at each other for a few seconds before both of them cracked up into laughter. Kartik couldn’t believe it. It felt like a dream come true. A wish that he thought was never going to be fulfilled. But it was. 

His Aman was there, in his arms. He was in his Aman’s arms. Safe. Both of them were together and that was all that mattered. 

They were together and they were laughing like they’d never laughed before. Kartik looked at his love and just let the contentment wash over him. 

He needed to show Aman how happy he was. He wanted to share that feeling with his husband. So he was about to kiss the living daylights out of him when suddenly - there were two more sets of arms colliding around the pair of them. 

Kartik quickly realized it was Rajni and Keshav. He looked at Aman, who was also caught in the middle of this impromptu hug and smiled. 

Kartik sent a look to Aman, showing how he was a little sad that their epic reunion kiss was interrupted but that it was okay in the end. 

Aman was here now. Let everyone have this time to be with Aman. Kartik will get his time alone with him later. Where there will be more tears and kisses, and hugs and confessions. For now, he could share Aman with the rest. 

So with that thought, he fully embraced the hug that he was squished in the middle of. He could feel Keshav’s tears on him but the smiles on everyone’s faces reassured him that these were tears of joy rather than tears of pain. 

There were jokes being thrown around, and teasing on Aman’s behalf that joined in with the tears. Kartik just took it all in, while still holding on to Aman by his side. 

Soon enough, Rajni and Keshav let go and in their stead, papa and mummy came over to wrap them up in a hug. This hug feels different somehow. Safer than anything else had felt to Kartik in a long time. 

_ Is this what having parents feels like? _

He thinks to himself for a bit. But the thought is soon replaced by the happiness that is now an ever-growing constant in his soul. 

He doesn’t think he’s felt this happy in a long time if ever. The safety of the hug lets him breathe and relax. He knows Aman is safe in mummy and papa’s arms. He is too. 

So he finally lets himself take in everything else. He looked up at the bright blue sky and let the sounds of the day beginning envelop him. 

He hadn’t noticed how bright it was before. But now he sees it. 

The sun is shining down hard onto the courtyard. The light is blinding if he stares at it for long but he doesn’t care. He’d take the light and the sheer warmth he’s surrounded by right now to the cold numbness from yesterday. 

But a different warmth, one that wasn’t too unwelcome also clings on to him. The warmth from last night still lingers in his bones too. 

The small flame of hope he’d found in that cold night when he felt surrounded by the family’s love. The comfort and heat of them staying near him, holding him when he couldn't hold himself up...

All of it. He still feels that too now. He’s never realized it before last night but it’s been there all along. 

Now, both of them surround him. Maybe it’s from the hug or maybe it’s from something else. Kartik doesn't care. 

The harsh and unyielding warmth from Aman’s love hits him in his face, always reminding him that he’s never alone. While the pleasant thrum of heat from the rest of the family's acceptance falls onto him like a snug blanket. 

Together, what he feels is an overwhelming sense of home. A sense of belonging. 

That feeling stays even as the older Tripathis let go of them and he’s left with only Aman in his arms. The warmth stays. 

He goes back to staring at the love of his life in awe and gratitude, and he was about to kiss Aman properly this time when -  there’s cake. 

There’s cake on Aman’s face. 

Kartik barks out a laugh at the look of shock on Aman’s face. He turns to see where it came from, only to see Rajni standing there smirking, and Chachi holding the rest of the cake. 

_ Oh right. It’s Aman’s birthday.  _

Just as he finishes that thought, the rest start singing Aman the birthday song. Aman is still too shocked to do anything and it only makes Kartik laugh louder. 

He holds onto Aman, even as the celebrations for Aman’s birthday goes on. It really does feel like Aman was born again in a way. 

He lets that thought linger in the recesses of his mind as he looks on at this wonderful group of people that are his home. 

He snuggles into Aman’s arms even as he’s covered in cake. He lays his head onto the crook of Aman’s neck and looks up at his husband. 

When Aman finally looks back down at him, Kartik whispers only for the two of them to hear. 

“I know it’s your birthday but... I guess I’m the one who just got the best present ever.” 

When Aman shoots him a questioning look he just replies with a smile, “You’re back home with me. What’s a better present than that?” 

The little forehead kiss he gets in response might just be the best kiss of Kartik’s life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the wait. I didn't mean to make it be an extended break. I was just trying to get myself sorted out and stuff happened. i know all of you have been so nice to give me the time and space to do this at my own time. I appreciate it a lot. the constant messages and comments i get for this and all my other works means the world to me. 
> 
> we're almost at the end of this fic. ngl that thought makes me kinda sad. this story has become something that i never imagined it would turn into. and to make up for all the pain, there's a special thing that ive been meaning to write. which will come in the later few chapters (or chapter. we'll see). it's something that i think really summarizes what ive been wanting to say with this fic. 
> 
> those chapters (or maybe just 1 chapter) will be out in a few days hopefully. I want to get this done soon and not make you guys wait for so long. 
> 
> This has been a long ride. It's been an amazing one too. the amount of love and support i've gotten for this is immeasurable. I can't ever repay you all. I hope the wait was worth it. I hope this brings you comfort in our tiring days. I hope I wrote something that meant something to all of you. I can't express what this fic and this fandom means to me. Not in words. But Thank you.


	9. we'll make it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so second last chapter. Im getting senti about this already. This is fairly short. an interlude of sorts. before the finale which is honestly MY FAV ever!!! 
> 
> But yes. anyway, here's something short and fun and special and secret heheh

Shankar sits in a corner of the house and looks on at the scene before him. Everyone’s huddled around the cot in the middle of the house. 

Cake is everywhere, on Aman, the floor, and even on Goggle and Kartik’s hair. 

Champa is in the kitchen making kheer and gulab jamun. 

Chaman is making some jokes at Aman’s expense with Goggle while Keshav is taking pictures of Aman’s cake-filled face. 

Kartik even helps Keshav with making some funny faces next to Aman. 

Shankar takes in all the colors and the decorations. He knows they’d been up for a few days already, since they had been planning the party the whole week, but somehow he’d forgotten all about them yesterday. 

The grey and dull atmosphere of the house probably drowned out all the reminders of it he figures. Or maybe he just didn’t want to notice the sign that said Happy Birthday in tacky bright colours on the wall when he’d thought that there was no Aman to celebrate it for. 

He tries to erase the horrible thoughts from his mind now. He won’t let them resurface right then. He could rethink and replay that dreadful day later. He won’t sully this moment.

He won’t miss this. Not for the world. 

He wants to capture all the memories like a photograph in his mind. He doesn’t know how often they’ll have good days like this. Yesterday showed that anything could happen at any time. 

So he wants to cherish this minute as much as he could. So he goes back to watching all the people he loves. 

He concentrates on everything. He lets his eyes roam across each and every person and every inch of the house. The house that just yesterday hadn’t felt like home. 

But most of all, Shankar memorizes the looks of utter delight and relief on everyone’s faces. After yesterday’s events, it was a soothing balm to see everyone happy again. 

He lets the chatter of everyone’s laughter and the sound of Aman’s whining wash over him, making him relax. 

If he closed his eyes and concentrated enough, he could almost believe that he was back in the past. Back when Aman, Goggle and Keshav were only little kids. 

He remembers Aman’s birthdays. He always used to run away from them as they chased him with hands covered in cake. 

The laughter and the sounds of celebrations he hears now, seems just like back then. But somehow, it was also... different. More...full. 

Shankar looked at the only possible reason for that added happiness. The only thing that had really changed in the family since those years ago. Their new addition. 

Their Kartik. 

Kartik was still resting on the bed, curled up into Aman. Shankar doesn’t think either of his sons had even separated from the other since Kartik woke up. 

His heart clenches at the memory of a wrecked Kartik pleading. He tries to shake off that image of a shaking, broken Kartik and replace that memory with the one he sees now. 

The image of Kartik smiling brightly, yet softly at not just Aman but at everyone else too. 

The guilt he felt last night as Kartik cried himself to sleep is still there. In the back of his mind. 

He’d hurt this boy so much. And yet all he’d returned was forgiveness and love. 

Kartik was special. Shankar hadn’t realized it back then but he _knows_ now. He’s just really glad that Aman knew it first and brought him home to them. 

Before, Kartik always felt like an outsider to Shankar. But now, looking at the two of them...he knows that their family would never be complete without him. 

At that moment, he was interrupted from his musings as he felt a hand come land gently on his shoulder. 

He turned around to see the one person that had been missing from the scene playing out in front of him. Sunaina. 

She sat down next to him, their sides brushing. And she leaned into him as she asked quietly, only for the two of them to hear, “Watching our kids huh?” 

~~~~

If Sunaina hadn’t been watching clearly she would have missed the small smile on her husband's face. But she saw it, plainly when he reacted to her question. 

He replied just as softly as she had asked, “Haan. Sunainaji... they look very happy na?”

She looked at where his eyes were locked on. She hummed her agreement as she slowly lowered her head onto his shoulder. She felt his arm come up behind her, and he wrapped it around her shoulder. 

They never did this much, but it was always something that gave her comfort. Despite all their problems, when Shankar and her sat like that, just embracing each other friendly, she felt like maybe they were all going to be okay. 

And right now, as they sat on the outside looking in to their odd and crazy family, whispering to each other, she felt that same sense of comfort and calm again. 

“Kartik looks happier.” Shankar whispers into her, as he unconsciously rubs her shoulder. 

“Both of our sons do.” She replies, thinking back to another time when they were like this. Embracing each other and talking about Aman and Kartik. 

Shankar must have been thinking about that same night, as the next sentence he utters is filled with an emotion that she hasn’t heard much from him. 

“We’ve not been good parents to them have we?”

She stills momentarily but recollects herself soon. Neither of them look away from Kartik and Aman. They never were one for emotional conversations and looking at each other and having a proper one... wasn’t really something they did. 

But as she looked on at them, she thought back to last night. The evening before. 

Her and Shankar didn’t get a chance to speak much with all the commotion yesterday. They hadn’t had a chance to talk about Kartik’s breakdown or anything else. 

A part of her wanted to say that no, they’d been good. But the part of her that remembered how broken Kartik was... the signs they’d missed.... the way he thought they’d - 

She sighed out loud trying to stop her own guilt from festering. She didn’t know how to answer her husband’s question but before she could even think of something, Shankar filled in the silence with something that made her pause. 

“ Gande log hai hum.” He says, throwing her own words, from a different time ago, back at her. 

She knows now that both of their minds are replaying that night again in theur heads. The wedding preparations, the fight they had, then the wedding spectacle and then the police. 

There were so many things they did wrong. That they would change if they’d got a second chance to. But she also remembers Shankar’s own words that he’d said to her. 

“Hum bas log hain.” She reminds him again now. 

It was true. She hadn’t realized it then. The guilt she felt for almost ruining the lives of her son -and her new son that she never would have gotten to know - still lingered. 

But. 

People make mistakes. Everyone does. 

“Sunaina ji..” Shankar starts but she stops him. She moves away from where she’s leaning on him. 

Turning to look at him in the eyes, but still with their sons in her peripheral vision she gathers her thoughts. 

“What we did... haan it was. Horrible.” She starts slow. This conversation was important even though it might be a bit late to be having it. 

“We hurt them. Both of them. And we lost them for a while.” She reminds him. Those few months when Aman and Kartik were still wary and closed off from them was still painful to think about. 

“But...” she continues. “We realized it. We tried to make amends even though we might not have. We might have done bad things but it doesn’t make us bad people.” 

“They deserve so much more Sunainaji.” 

“Haan. They do.” So all we can do now is try to be better for them. Like everyone does.”

_Hum bas log hain. Achee log nahi hai, na gande._

They might not have made the right decisions along the way but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do good things too. They might have been forgiven by their sons but the guilt was still there. They’re not sure it’ll ever leave. But they knew they had to try. To be better. 

For their family even if it wasn't for them. 

“Hum bas loge hain.” Sunaina heard Shankar say again. She went back to lying her head on his shoulder, and he went back to embracing her. 

They sat there for a while. Just looking at the rest. Looking at the happiness that they thought they’d never get back. 

They had to make up for so much more still. They didn’t do so many things they should have. But maybe... they can do that now. 

Better late than never. 

Everybody has to start somewhere. 

So why not now? 

Just as she was about to tell Shankar what she had in mind, he cuts her off again.

“Suno. I have an idea...”

And they sat there whispering to each other, like two young lovers, but their eyes never leaving the beautiful sight before them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Sam for helping me with the last conversation. It was tough for me to write it. But as always, my kids helped me pull though. 
> 
> Also, the next chapter is gonna be SUPER FUN. FOR THOSE THAT KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN SHUT UP AND DONT SAY SHIT PLEASE. ( i mean my children. you lot please shushhh) 
> 
> For the rest, if you can figure it out then good for you ;)


	10. let's start again tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i expect TONS of comments for this okay? like. loads. please? pretty please? i spent lots of time on this chapter i swear and it's a HUGE present to all of you okay? just... comments dedho please i love you guys so much ❤❤❤❤ (also sorry for mistakes its like 4.20am bless me)

Kartik lay there, on the mattress they’d put up on the terrace, with Aman in his arms. They’d finally managed to take some time away from the rest of the family but only managed it after dinner. 

The entire day, even though they’d been together, him and Aman, they hadn’t gotten a chance to be alone. Just them. 

Kartik and Aman.

Kartik would have been more annoyed if he hadn’t known why everyone was so desperate to keep the two of them within eye-sight. They had given the entire family quite a scare after all. Aman more so than Kartik, true, but their worry for them was equal. 

Aman had almost been lost to them forever, and Kartik had spiraled back into his past trauma and pain. In a way, the rest of the Tripathis had lost them both for a while. And Kartik could clearly see that lingering fear in everyone’s eyes. 

The anxiety that either of them would disappear suddenly was always there in their expressions. 

They hadn’t said it but it showed in the way all of them always kept their eyes on the two boys. Kartik and Aman were left to stay in the cot, in the middle of the house. In direct view of anyone and everyone. 

They’d also been more physically affectionate with Aman and him throughout the day. A gentle brush of a shoulder here while walking by, a ruffle of Aman’s hair there, always standing closer than usual.... 

It was as if everyone was trying to remind themselves that Aman was there. That he was real. 

Kartik could never bedruge any of them that comfort and peace of mind when he too understood. 

He was the one that couldn’t believe Aman had... 

It didn’t matter. They’d all moved past that. 

After that whole breakdown, Kartik didn’t really let go of Aman. Even through all the cake mess, and the rest of the day’s shenanigans.

He couldn’t. He’d gotten his miracle wish. It was like a dream come true. He’d be damned if he let him go so soon. 

So for the most part of the day, Kartik’s hands were curled around Aman’s arms, while his eyes were constantly finding Aman’s own chocolate brown lakes. 

Each time their eyes met, he felt relief flooding his veins. And with every breath of relief, it was like Kartik fell in love all over again. 

The only time Kartik had untangled himself from Aman was when Aman went to wash off the cake and when some of the family called Aman away in between. 

Kartik tried to never look away from Aman when he was away but he often got distracted by someone else. He assumed it was because they all didn’t want either him or Aman away from each other and panicking. 

They always made sure that there was someone with them at all times especially when they were both separated from each other. 

Initially he was fine with Aman getting called away by them. They should have their own personal time with Aman after all, but by the end of dinner, Kartik had gotten annoyed. 

He understood. Of course he did, but... he’d just been through hell and back after already not having Aman around for a week. Kartik just really needed some alone time with his husband. 

So the moment he could get them both away, he did so. And that time came right after dinner, when the sun had gone down and the night had just come alive. 

Kartik, still holding on to Aman, had dragged him up to the terrace. He had set up a mini bed there for a picnic a few days ago. They could still use it to cuddle even if there would be no picnic anymore. 

So that was what they did. It’s how they ended up here. At this moment. 

At their terrace. In their house. Their home. 

Kartik was lying on the soft, well worn mattress that used to be in their room, but had been brought up to the rooftop. 

The mattress was pressed up against the ledge of the roof, with copious pillows thrown about. Kartik didn’t recall bringing his favourite and comfiest blanket up here but it was there. Neatly folded and tucked into a corner. 

The last time Kartik remembered having it was at night, when he’d fallen asleep crying. Maybe someone else had brought it up for him. 

He didn’t think of it much. He just dragged Aman down onto the mattress and proceeded to cuddle with him, wrapping both his arms and the blanket around his husband. 

“This looks beautiful Kartik. You did all of this for me?” Aman mused, softly, his head resting against Kartik’s shudder and breath hitting his face like a warm embrace. 

That was when Kartik looked up to see what Aman was talking about. He’d been too focused on getting Aman alone to properly notice the terrace. The sight that he saw stole his breath away. 

The rooftop terrace was covered in small fairy lights, twinkling against the night sky. Golden and small, they lined not just the makeshift shelter they had put up there, but also the trees surrounding them. 

Looking up at them from where he lay, it was as if they were stars too. They sparkled against the dark night sky, somehow being illuminated even more by the moonlight. 

Kartik didn’t expect that. They were supposed to have been up for Aman’s birthday party, but they never had the time to do it. 

It was part of Kartik’s initial plan of celebrating his birthday at midnight, curled up here like this. Someone else must have put it up for the party because he didn’t remember doing it. 

He also heard songs playing softly from a corner and saw Keshav’s iPad lying near the pillows. Looked like there was a playlist going. Keshav must have forgotten it here, Kartik figured. 

He told Aman as much, and went on to snuggle back into Aman’s arms. 

Aman smelt a little like ash and fire. It was probably just Kartik’s imagination, but he didn’t care. It didn’t smell like a suffocating nightmare. It smelt more ... rustic. It smelt more like the first rays of the sun, and prayers in the temple and like a cozy campfire. 

It smelt awfully a lot like home, with the smallest hint of sandalwood in it too. 

He buried his head more into the crook of Aman’s neck and looked up at his Aman through his eyelashes. 

_“Dekheya main chaand dekheya_

_Nooran waale sitaare dekheya_

_Par tere jaisa na koi dekheya main”_

Watching him stare at the stars, and the lights. Seeing that beautiful face he’d thought he’d never see again, just shine against the lights like an angel. 

He was content to just stay like that. Forever didn’t seem too bad, when he was filled with so much content at just being here. 

A few seconds later, Aman slowly turned down to look at Kartik, catching his eyes. 

“You’re not looking at the stars?” He asked, with a warm smile. 

Kartik didn’t smile, but replied in a no-nonsense manner, “I’m already looking at my star. And my sun.”

Aman almost blushed and it unfurled something in his heart that he couldn’t really place. Maybe it was hope. Hope that he’ll still have this for a long time to come. 

“You outshine them all,” Kartik added, because he couldn’t resist the temptation to go all cheesy bollywood on Aman. 

Aman huffed an annoyed laugh. “You can't even see me clearly in the dark Kartik.” 

“I totally can.”

Aman rolled his eyes, “Well I can't see you clearly.”

“What do you want me to do? Get a candle?”

“Kartik...”

“Actually wait. There should be candles.” Kartik says, and for the first time that day, he willingly lets go of Aman. 

It barely takes two minutes, but Kartik comes back with some candles. One is already lit, and he puts it down on a small table next to the mattress. 

“Are you going for a candlelit dinner or something? Ok, the lighting is there but mood nahi hai Kartik, ” Aman asks cheekily. 

Now it’s Kartik’s turn to roll his eyes. “If that’s what you want, baby.” He says in a fake lovey sickly sweet tone. 

“Well... it’s not dinner but I did bring up some gulab jamun for us.” Aman says, pulling Kartik down back onto the mattress, while taking out the sweets he brought. 

Kartik drops down next to Aman. “Hmm. No thanks, you know I prefer mummy’s khe-”

He gets cut off, as Aman pulls out a bowl of kheer even before he’s finished talking. 

“I know.”Aman says, trying to hold back a smile. 

Kartik loses his words for a moment, and in that short time, Aman takes the spoon and feeds him some kheer. 

Kartik just stares at Aman. When Aman goes to feed him again, Kartik gently wraps his hand around Aman’s wrist. Stopping him halfway. 

_“We've been meteoric even before this_

_Burns half as long when it's twice as bright_

_So if it's beyond us, then it's beyond us_

_Let's see and decide”_

Kartik looks at Aman’s confused face, and feels Aman’s pulse in his wrist, beating against Kartik’s hand, steady and so full of life. 

“You’re really here aren’t you?” Kartik couldn’t help but ask in disbelief. The words dislodge the rest of the emotions he’d been keeping in check all day. 

He hadn’t wanted to take away from the family’s joy, so he’d kept it hidden. But now it’s just them. Just Aman and him. 

He could let the emotions out now. Aman would handle them... he always knew how to handle Kartik’s emotions especially when Kartik himself couldn’t. 

“You’re here.” Kartik repeats again, more to himself than to Aman, but Aman answers anyway. 

“Haan Kartik. I’m here. I promised na.” Aman utters softly, as he puts down the bowl of kheer and opens his arms for a hug. 

Kartik immediately falls into Aman’s arms and lets his head rest on Aman's shoulder. He lets Aman’s arms wrap around him better than any blanket could and finally lets the rest of the tears fall. 

“I’m here.” Aman says again, and Kartik cries, but this time it’s silent. It’s silent and painful but filled with so much hope that this will be the last tears of pain he’ll cry in a while. 

Kartik can also feel Aman melt in the hug, and he just _knows_ that Aman is closing his eyes and crying too. 

Kartik shakes silently, as the emotions finally come out of him in waves. He’s so very happy but the pain of last night, still lingers, making the moment bittersweet. 

“I’m here Kartik. Main hoon na, tumare saath. Nothing can take me away from you again. I promise. I’m okay. I promise I’m okay.”Aman whispers into Kartik’s ear as they huddle into a corner of the mattress. 

Everything else is forgotten as they both focus solely on each other. It takes a few minutes before Kartik slowly stops shaking. 

Aman pulls him up and they re-arrange themselves into a cuddle pile. This time, Kartik in Aman’s arms. 

_“And I will still be here stargazing_

_I'll still lookup, lookup_

_Lookup for love_

_Stars don't disappear; they keep blazing_

_Even when the night is over_

_That's how I find the light”_

_  
  
_

“I missed you. So much.” Kartik croaks out.

“I was so worried, Kartik.” Aman confesses too. 

“I thought I’d lost you. I thought you’d never -”

“I never stopped thinking about you.”

“Please don’t leave-”, “I’m never leaving you again.” they both said at the same time. 

Aman leaned his head against Kartik’s crown and closed his eyes and breathed. 

“I’m so sorry I hurt you Kartik. I’m so sorry baby.”

Kartik sniffled, and shook his head. “It’s not your fault. I just... I felt so lost. Without you. I don’t know how to go on without you. Everyone else was there for me haan, lekin... they’re not you.” Kartik pleads, eyes wet and shining against the nightlights. 

“I know. I was... so worried Kartik. Mummy screamed your name on the phone, and ... she sounded so ... sad and I was so scared. For everyone. For you. If something had happened to all of you I -” 

They both held on to each other tighter, as they tried to push away all the horrible thoughts that had plagued them the night before. 

“We missed you.” 

Aman squeezes Kartik tighter. “I missed you too,” he utters, as a few tears trail down his face and lands on Kartik’s hair. 

_  
  
_

_“There's a light_

_You never get back_

_Once it dies”_

_  
  
_

“If you hadn’t missed the train, then you’d have..” Kartik hiccups. 

“I got an anxiety attack when I found out about it.” Aman admits. “Thinking about you helped me calm down.” 

“I didn't want to remember you.. Because, it hurt too much. I’m sorry.” Kartik confesses. He tried so hard not to dive into these dangerous emotions again, but he knew they had to talk about it. 

That’s the only way they could move forward. From yesterday. One of the most traumatizing days of his life. 

But... wait. 

Could they even move past it? It feels like the kind of thing that is so life changing that you can’t ever come back from it. Could they come back from this? 

“Aman....” Kartik starts, fear creeping in now. 

“We’re going to be okay right?” he asks in a whisper, afraid of the answer he’ll get. 

_“Yeah and it's alive_

_And it's waiting for us_

_At the lost and found_

_Yeah at the lost and found”_

Aman looks at him. Karitk can feel the weight of all their emotions in just that one glance they shared. 

“Kartik. This is us. Of course we’ll be okay.” Aman tries to reassure him. Kartik thought that hearing that would help him but it didn’t. Maybe Aman didn’t understand him. He needed Aman to understand where he was coming from. 

“Aman, it’s not that easy. I can’t... I can’t stop thinking about it. The train, the fire... I almost lost you. And now all I can think about is how easy I still could.” 

“Kart-” 

“Nahi Aman. Yesterday you missed the train. But what if you didn’t? WHat if there’s another accident? Aman I can’t.. Forget it. How can we go back to how we were when I can’t forget AMan?” 

“You think I can forget this? That mummy or papa can forget how close they came to losing us both? I know we can’t forget Kartik. But that doesn’t mean that... that we can’t move on.” 

“If we can’t-”

“We can’t go back to how we were, but maybe we don’t have to.”

_“Another year has come and gone_

_Another circle 'round the sun_

_Another thousand tears have fallen”_

_  
  
_

Aman suddenly moved away from Kartik. He pulled him away and faced him straight on. Gently cupping Kartik’s cheeks, he tiled Kartik’s face to look at him. 

Once he was sure that he had Kartik’s undivided attention, he let go of Kartik’s face and took his hands into his. Interwove their fingers together. To show that he’s never letting him go. 

“Kartik, baby listen to me na? Look.... I know it’s scary. I know it’s scary to even think about the future. Especially when we can't predict it.” 

He took a breath, before continuing. “We never know when anything will happen. And it’s terrifying. Haan, things can't go back to the way they were. We can’t forget it - the pain, grief... of course we can’t. Even if we want to. But we can’t let it hold us down baby. We can’t just stay scared.” 

“I almost lost you Aman.” Kartik begged, for what, he too didn’t know. Maybe he was just begging for more reassurance. 

“But we’re here now.” Aman insisted. “We got through it. And if anything, it taught us something. I know this wasn’t near anything of what you all went through, but I thought I almost lost you too. I missed you and your laugh, and your jokes and the way you look like a zombie in the mornings.” 

“I didn’t know all the things I took for granted until I couldn't be next to you, couldn’t call you and when I didn’t know how you were. The past few days have been horrible Kartik. And I know it’s scary to think about moving on but .. but I know that whatever happens, I don't want to miss a single moment in your life. And I want you to be in every single one of mine.” 

“I already am Aman.” Karitik replies. He doesn’t know what set Aman off and even though he loves hearing these reassurances, he feels like there’s something else that Aman’s trying to tell him. 

Kartik wants to push but he knows it’d be better if he kept quiet. So he let Aman continue. 

“I'm so sorry I hurt you baby. You know I never meant to. But we can’t do anything about the past. We can’t change anything.” Aman pauses. “If I could take away all the hurt you’ve had to face in your life... not just yesterday but before...I would but I also wouldn't. Because I don't want to change you.”

_  
  
_

_“I don't ever count 'em 'cause_

_I'm surrounded by your love_

_And days are never long enough”_

_  
  
_

“I love you just as you are. Even if we’ll change tomorrow, even if everything goes to shit the next day, I want to be _with_ you when that happens. I want to grow with you. For as long as we have time.” 

“Aman. I know that... why are you suddenly -” 

“Let me finish na? Please. Let me talk. I need to say this.” Aman asks. 

Kartik nods silently, urging him to go on. 

“I know you said I’m your sun and star but.. You don’t know how that’s true for you too. You’re not just my sun Kartik but you’re the star in everyone’s else's eyes too. Sirf mere liye nahi. This family is yours as much as it is mine. That is never going to change. Whatever happens.” 

Kartik suddenly has a feeling that he knows what prompted this. Aman must have talked to the rest and found out. Kartik doesn’t know how to respond so he just offers a sad smile to his husband, who doesn’t stop talking. 

“You might not see it na, but you’ve changed me and my life so much. You’ve made it brighter. And, you’ve brought this family together in a way that even I didn't expect.”

“You help papa with his projects. You fix fights between chachi and mummy. The two of them love you just for the fact that you love their cooking and keep asking them questions about it. You’re chacha’s best friend. I can’t even begin to understand the two of you when you’re together. But I know that you end up always laughing for hours.” 

Kartik’s eyes start to water again. He didn’t even know he needed to hear these words until now. When he hears it being said with so much conviction and love behind each sentence. 

“You’re Rajni and Keshav’s jiju. Do you know how much they look up to you? Do you know you’re their strength?” 

By now, both Aman and Kartik had tears in their eyes again. 

“And for me... you complete my life in a way that I can't begin to express. But I know that I want to keep seeing you. I want to always be there when you wake up. I want to see you laugh with Chacha every day and I want to see you comforting Keshav and Rajni when they need it. I want to see you happy here. With the family. With me.” 

“I am happy Aman. So much-” Kartik tries to say but Aman ignores him and goes on with his own spiel, as if he’s rushing for some unknown deadline. 

“You complete this family baby. I can't ever imagine it without you in it. None of us can.” 

“Aman.” Kartik finally cuts in firmly. “Senti maat ho.” He says with a chuckle. 

“Let me finish na. Please.” Aman begs. 

“Kyun itni senti? What happened huh? Something special hai kya?” Kartik jokes, but the way Aman smiles softly gets him curious.

“I’m getting to that duffer. If you’ll let me finish.” Aman says as he rolls his eyes at Kartik’s antics. 

_“Four more seasons on parade_

_Show their colors then they fade_

_But that won't happen to us, darlin'”_

_  
  
_

“Remember our wedding? Kitna drama.” Aman laughs, remembering the day’s events. “Even if it was full of ups and downs and ... chaotic interruptions from start to finish, Lekin, perfect tha. Because it was ours. Humara kahaani hai. Like you say na, our love story is ours and it’s perfect because it’s us.”

“We’ve been married for more than a year... almost two now. And we’ve done so many things together. But after yesterday, after the accident I realized that there were so many things that I want to do with you still. And this... this is one of it. And everyone also told me that they want to do this for you.” 

“Do what Aman?” Kartik asked, suddenly feeling very nervous. 

“It was their idea actually. I said there was no need but they convinced me.” Aman said, ignoring Kartik’s question. “You should never ever doubt your place here. You deserve so much Kartik and this... this is just something small that me and the rest can do.” 

Aman finally looked up at Kartik, after a good few minutes of just staring at everywhere else. 

“We can’t start over, I know neither of us want to but .. can we start again? Ek naya chapter.. Humare love story mein.”

“Aman..” Kartik tried to say something but he was lost for words. This... it...

“Arey wait yar, I had a speech planned. Itni interruptions kyun?” Aman whined. 

“I thought this was the speech. Fine, finish what you need to say fast so i can kiss you.”

_  
  
_

_“We'll remember how it was_

_Then begin again because_

_Days are never long enough”_

_  
  
_

“Haan haan. So.. as I was saying. Can we start again? Properly this time? There were so many things we never got to do the first time around. So let’s do them again , not better... but different.” 

Kartik was crying again in earnest now. He didn’t even think that this... 

_Was this really happening?_

Aman scooted closer to Kartik, as he unlocked their interwoven hands, and held on to Kartik’s left hand instead. 

“Starting with the proposal I owe you.” He said. 

“Kartik Singh, love of my life, meri jaan, will you do the pheres with me again, as we sing ‘Yeh Dostee’? And I’ll kiss you in a wedding, in front of all of _our_ family, while they bless us? But with no police interruptions, no fighting. But actual ghoris now. For you and me. Mujshe shaadi karoge? Doosri baar?” 

Aman looked up at Kartik with tears in his eyes and so much love. The sheer amount of emotion Kartik could see in his eyes drowned him. 

He could still hear the faint songs filling the night, as the lights and candles shimmered in the moonlight. It was like everything he imagined and nothing. He stared at Aman in shock and delight that he didn’t even notice that he hadn’t replied. 

“Please say yes Kartik. If not the rest of the family will murder me for botching this. Especially after all the trouble they went through to set it up. It was their idea you know?” 

Kartik was going to answer when that statement made him pause. “Kya? Their idea?” 

“Haan. Goggle and Keshav did the lights and music. Mummy, chachi made the kheer and there’s a cake too - engagement cake they said - and chacha even ran out to get you the ring.”

“Ring? Which ri-”

“This one.” Aman said, as he pulled out a beautiful simple ring from his pocket. “So please say yes na? I don’t want to die for ruining this if you don’t.” Aman said with a slight fear or nervousness in his voice. 

“They... you did all of this for me?” Kartik asked. 

“Haan. They want this. For you. Us. They want everyone to know how amazing you are and how lucky we are to have you. And I want to do it too. Bhol na please. “

Kartik just laughed out loud as he nodded his head frantically. Aman’s face split into a wide smile as he grabbed Kartik and kissed him senseless. 

Kartik could feel all the fears and anxiety of what’s to come tomorrow wash away from him. It would be okay. Everything will be fine with Aman by his side. And the family. His family. 

And just as he thought that, he heard them coming. He pushed Aman away reluctantly, as he took in the smiling faces of everyone else around. 

For the first time in a long time, he felt right at home. 

“Aman... put the ring on him already!” Goggle half yelled. 

Aman laughed again and was going to do it, when Kartik stopped him. “On one condition. I want to wear a saree again.” He said, wiggling his eyebrows in a funny way. 

Aman just smiled and went “Whatever you want, as long as you’re actually marrying me.”

And with that, Aman put the ring on Kartik’s finger and everyone else swarmed the two of them. Pulling the two of them into a hug again, like they’d been doing since morning. 

Soon, they were talking wedding plans and dances. There might have been talk of colour coordinating clothes and how many people to invite. 

By that point, Kartik had stopped listening properly. He was too busy looking at everyone surrounding him and wondering how he got this lucky. He stared at his family and was wondering if this was all a dream, when mummy pulled him to a side and said, “The whole idea was your papa’s. Don’t let him fool you into thinking he doesn’t care.” 

After that, she let him go and went back to talking about catering or something. Kartik turned to look at Shankar. He’d been sitting to one side, not really participating much, but quietly talking about ideas and throwing in some comments here and there. 

Kartik untangled himself from the mess of people around him and went to Shankar. 

He was about to fall on his feet, when Shankar grabbed him and pulled him down to sit beside him. 

“Kya hoga beta?” 

“Nothing papa... just. You know na? That I was happy with the previous wedding. You didn’t have to do this for me. Aman and I are already married in the way that matters.” He spoke honestly. 

Shankar smiled and said, “We wanted to. You deserve so much beta and... we’ve made mistakes. A lot of them. Even if you’ve forgiven us... it’s our job to do this. We want to. You’re our family’s son-in-law. You deserve a proper wedding.” 

Kartik went speechless again. _What is it with these Tripathis and making me speechless._

“Besides, we love a good wedding and how could we pass up the chance to outshone other families huh?” Shankar joked as he smoothed down Kartik’s unruly hair, affectionately like a father would. 

That was it. Kartik threw himself into Shankar’s arms and hugged him tight. He could feel papa also getting teary, as his voice sounded choked up the next time he spoke. 

“Okay.. haan. I think Aman’s missing you beta. So you should go back to him.” He said in a teasing tone as he rubbed circles into Kartik’s back soothingly. 

When Kartik let up from the hug, he looked over to see Aman looking at the two of them. With the same smile that he had as that day at the train station. 

They locked eyes for a second before Kartik turned back to papa again. 

Shankar just looked between the two of them, and the rest of the family who were now not so subtly watching them. He nudged Kartik back towards Aman as he told him.....

_....“Jaa beta jee le apni zindagi.”_

* * *

This is the moodboard for this chapter <3

The song lyrics are the songs playing in the background from the special proposal playlist that Aman set up for Kartik. Will update you on the songs later. Sorry ^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHO GUESSED THE PROPOSAL? I hope it wasn't too cheesy or too soft. This is probably one of the most beautiful pieces I'd ever write I think. The proposal was supposed to have more things but I couldn't make it all flow. But im very proud of this chapter nonetheless. 💕💕
> 
> It's been a long ride, and I have a lot of things to say. So this was never supposed to be like this. I started the idea on smzs discord a few days after movie release. then it moved to orange gc and then here. It's been with this fandom for almost 6 months now. It's been a pleasure to write this. and somewhere along the way, this has turned into an ode to our lives right now as well. So this is what I want to leave you with i guess. 
> 
> _This fic... i guess you can call it an ode. It's an ode to new beginnings and starting over on a fresh note. It's to not forgetting the past, but letting all the bads and the goods of it guide you into a future that is more wholesome and worthwhile. Especially because now we actually appreciate what we have._
> 
> _Like how Kartik's world was shaken in just one day, this entire year's been shit to all of us. We can't go back. We all know that. But thinking about the future is also terrifying. We've lost too much to go back anyway. But we can start again even if we can't start over. We can try at least. Like how even beautiful things can come out of ashes (yes im quoting deadpool songs)_
> 
> So this is the end!!! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! Also to all my children like. Dhanya, Sargun, Sam, Shreya and the rest for like ALWAYS being there. 
> 
> BUT dont worry, i have something else starting soon but uh fair warning it is. 10 times worse pain than this fic and i cant guarentee that it's happy ending. It's called "tere layi lardae gabru" and the prolouge/premise is up. Take a look at that if you want to! (also gonna yeet off fandom for a few days, i will come back and subject myself to your death threats later. BYEEEEE) 
> 
> \- ❤❤ Mehan


	11. ~music speaks~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm sorry this is late, but here are the promised playlists (keshav's anti anxiety playlist and also the wedding proposa/love confession playlist)
> 
> all two playlists are a mix of languages and songs. I havent detailed the anti-anxiety one because it's very very long and it's like, from all of your suggestions and my own music library. hope you like it. 
> 
> the wedding proposal one follows the order that was in the previous chapter and also, added in some extra things hehe. Hope you like it!

_~~~_

[Keshav's Anti-Anxiety Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ucnEuDSrOTU8aX3G3pc6h)

_~~~_

[Raakh Proposal Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3rohgxGIyK1DouAloRx2qT)

_1\. Raakh_

_\- by Arjiit Singh_

_2\. Saturn_

_\- by Sleeping At Last_

_3\. It Comes Back To You_

_\- by Imagine Dragons_

_4\. Haareya_

_\- by Arijit Singh_

_5\. Stargazing_

_\- by Kygo, Justin Jesso_

_6\. Stargazing (Orchestra Version)_

_\- by Kygo, Justin Jesso ft. Bergen Philharmonic Orchestra_

_7\. The Lost And Found_

_-by Gary Clark, John Carney_

_8\. Days Aren't Long Enough_

_-by Thomas Dybdahl, Lera Lynn_

_9\. Mere Liye Tum Kaafi Ho_

_-by Ayushmann Khurrana, Tanishk-Vayu_

_~~~_

__

~~~

_"Time's never late  
Isn't bound by our fate  
Try as we may  
Love might never be found if we wait  
Until the sun comes up  
On another day my love  
Days are never long enough"_

_~~~_

_The End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do some more things like drabbles or Aman's pov but I don't think I can. I was supposed to finish this a long time ago but I could never get into the right headspace. So I promised myself I'd do this on a night/time when I'm having a bad time. So that I can channel all that bad vibes and emotions I have into something positive like this last chapter. And that's why Im doing this tonight. 
> 
> I really wanted to add more and maybe I will write more one shots in this universe/AU but I don't think it's ever going to be something I'd plan or is in the near future. Once again, I just want to thank everybody for going on this ride with me and for pushing me to do so much more than I ever expected to for this story. It means something t o me because it started to mean something to all of you. 
> 
> I am grateful for being able to write this and for all the love it had gotten. Thank you so much. But now it's time to move on to other stories. Hopefully those can be something different yet still special too. See you guys around <3

**Author's Note:**

> I LOVE COMMENTS PLS


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